Interruptions

I am taking you back to 2015 when I originally started this blog post.  I loved to blog and over the course of a couple of years did so regularly.  Then we moved to the DFW area, I returned to work, and life sped up with a few speed bumps to shake things up.  Recently I had to write a presentation for work and realized just how much I missed writing.  No promises on how often but I am going to see what God lies on my heart to share.  A friend shared just yesterday her motto "Progress over perfection". So here's to progress and a little flashback to 2015.

Funny how in 2020 we are sitting at home likely learning a new normal.  Using technology to connect with others while distanced.  Back in 2015 I was struggling with the schedules of 5 kids at home.

Let me set the stage,  we had 5 kids at home (13, 13, 10,10, 9).  I was not working but doing some consulting on the side for healthcare.  This was the first time since my youngest were babies I didn't work.

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With a large family, structured schedules are the only way we can get through our day and accomplish anything.  To give you an idea of our "busyness" in the Summer of 2015 let me give you a run down:

Kid #1: Cheer/softball/soccer/pitching lessons
Kid #2:  Cheer/softball
Kid #3: Cheer
Kid #4:  Cheer 2 days/week (different that any kid); softball practice twice a week
Kid #5:  Appointments with 2 different providers every other week

So when I get interrupted on a task, I can be a real bear.  Partly because I know if I don't finish right now the hopes of ever getting back to the task are slim to none but mostly I am selfish.  Yep you heard it right.

I want what I want when I want it.

And even if you don't want to admit it you do too.

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Fast forward to 2020......

When Jesus interrupts my life with grace and truth.

Today as I read these words I chuckle because the crazy train was just leaving the station.  Nothing ever slowed down.  Well, until this pandemic showed up on the scene.  And even then as an "essential" worker I felt like my work sped up.  About the only thing that happened was my kids and I stayed home.  John still goes to work at his facility.  I still work longer hours than I should.  the kids continue to struggle with life just with different things of life.  We did give up extracurricular activities but majority of that was moved to a virtual platform.  

So was life really interrupted?  Or did I just want what I wanted when I wanted it.  

Seems like nothing really changed in life except what I can only describe as an awakening of my soul.   I had settled into my relationship with God.   Happy to study the Bible and attend service.  Still devoted to His plan for my life but more on autopilot.  Now I feel a yearning to know more and pray more.  I am getting an up close and personal view of others who were struggling in this time.  (me included!).  My gloomy, blue days tend to linger longer and show up more often.  As the school instruction moved home it was another moment to re-evalute what was important.  

This is where John is the real MVP of this story.  He helped prioritize what was important and kept me grounded.  God uses John in my life every day to point me back to what God wants for my life.  He saw early in this season that we would do what we could when we could and no more.  Let me repeat that....

We will do what we can and no more. How freeing to rest in what can be done instead of focusing on what should or even expected by others.

The pandemic didn't interrupted my life...

Jesus did.   

He has been doing that since the beginning of time.  Ever since sin (attempted to) interrupt God's perfect story.

So on this day where we celebrate his resurrection and triumph let's embrace the interruptions.

Homeschool Helper: MLK Unit Study

Homeschool Helpers

A new addition to the blog will be homeschool helpers.  These may be my own unit studies or links to other site with great tools/resources.

First helper- Martin Luther King, Jr Unit Study  (Grades 4-6)

MLK Unit Study

Unit study covers early life of MLK, state of America during the time of MLK, review of Jim Crow laws, Vocabulary, and timeline of events.  Unit can be covered in 2 weeks or extended to accommodate your homeschool lesson plan.

Enjoy!

Comment with a link for your favorite unit studies for MLK.

One Word for 2017

I had a friend post her one word for 2016 and I was intrigued.  Life sped past and I never made an official choice for 2016.  As 2017 has arrived I decided to choose my one word.  One word to encourage. One word to remind.  One word to cling to in 2017.  An alternative to the list of New Years Resolution fiasco and the ability to focus in more intently.

2017 will be FREE. Now this doesn't mean I will become a super saavy coupon lady or I will give away everything we have.  I will focus on the freedom in Christ I have.

But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness and the result is eternal life.  Romans 6:22

What is freedom?  You could argue that freedom exists for all outside of Christ.  We can make our own decisions and way through life. But true freedom only seen in Christ is the freedom to walk away from sin, regret, and inadequacy.  The freedom to know the debt for my sin was paid and I now can be as God originally designed for me.  Pure and holy.  A pursuit that will not be fully reached until the day I stand before God but one that is a reality.

For me personally, freedom is no longer clinging to insecurities, fear, and worry.  No longer concerned with tomorrow.

Does this mean all my troubles will disappear simply for remembering my freedom.  Absolutely not, what does happen is that my joy...true joy is in the Lord.  My house, my job, my relationships all very important but they do not bring me my joy.  I will enjoy life on Earth until I am called home but my every day happiness cannot be in those things that are temporary....that will pass away in time.

Every day happiness....

Knowing Jesus Christ my savior.  Understanding what HE has already done to bring me the life I have.

Every day happiness....

Despite the rocky roads of life.  Death, loss of job, financial trouble, relationship problems, health issues....what remains true is Jesus.

And THAT my friends in freedom.  The assurance that I have him.

Bring on 2017 and what lessons both joyful or full of pain may come.  I will cling to Jesus and rejoice in the FREE.

Happy New Year!

Been Awhile Ya'll

Life got busy and life was hard so stopping to write something to inspire the masses just didn't seem fit.  So I hid.  I hid in the busyness of each day.  Pushing through each day hoping the next would get better. And then it happened.  I witnessed my daughter wishing for something different than what she had.  Wishing for the bigger prize all the while missing what she had right now.

I stopped in my tracks and broke down.  I could see in my daughter what I had done for years.  Thinking of better days.  The future when things would make sense.  Days passed.  Years passed.  And each met with its own challenges, sorrows, and happiness.

Maybe it is because I turned 39 this year.  Maybe it is my hormones. Maybe it is because God is bringing me to a place of complete content.    Finally after all the years of a twinge of discontentment God was showing me just how wrong I was.

When I consider all the blessings I have seen in my life, why or how could I ever dream of more.  When I focus on my salvation how can I ever desire more.  I have everything I need and more.  When I envision my most loved thing in my life it pales in comparison to my Lord and Savior.  THAT is where you can reach contentment.

By no means have I arrived but slowly God is chipping away at my selfish human nature and molding me more and more in his image.  It is painful.  It is heart wrenching.  But it is beautiful at the same time.

Why do my black daughters fear black men?

Our girls are black.  We are not.  Nothing I do will change this fact.  My husband and I work diligently (and have from early on) to monitor our comments and thoughts  always viewing race in light of what God calls us to do as Christians.  This was simple to do because neither of us held any racism and never considered ourselves better because of our skin color.  But even without our influence our girls formed an opinion of black men and not a favorable one.  In hindsight I can see what shaped their opinions.  I know in my heart that I did everything I could to avoid causing a negative opinion.  However I think my fault lies in my naivety that if we just didn't speak of color/race then our kids would grow up colorblind.  They would not form any negative opinions.

I can look back through the early years and recognize interactions that helped shape the reality we have today.  I remember early in her life our oldest daughter would refer to young black men as "What's up dudes".  These were not all men but those with saggy jeans, caps turned backwards or longer braided hair.  When we asked her about her comments her answer was "They always nod at Daddy and say 'What's up'.  We didn't think much of it, life went on, and we giggled about her comments.  I mean her comments were not mean or hurtful and we compared it to her comments about cowboys and how she would mimic them with her twang. Today she considers "What's up dudes" as gang members.  Media helped to shape that opinion not me but I never countered it.

As John became involved in community sports the girls were exposed to more diversity than our home and church could provide. We met wonderful people and always enjoyed being involved in the community.  But as with most youth sports there were those whose maturity did not match their age.  So the girls observed fights, belligerent outbursts, and angry words yelled at their dad.  Now before I move on I want to share why I think the negative opinions of black men held true for my girls but not negative opinion of white men because I assure you the ignorance and immature behavior was by all colors, shapes, and sizes.  You see they had a frame a reference for white men....their own dad, their grandfather, uncles, church members.  But as a parent I failed to offer any experiences (or at least limited experiences) to contradict those opinions of black men.  With very few in our social circle and none in our church tipped the scales for their opinions.

Time rocked along and we didn't give much thought to any of it as we were busy living life.  Then the world seemed to shatter and the angst of the black community and the perceived (and actual) injustices of the black community were front and center.  Our girls older now watched things unfold.  We knew with dating, college, marriage, and all things of that nature just around the corner we had to begin having open honest conversations.  Those conversations yielded nothing that raised a red flag.  The girls (as well as our other children) did not have fear or concerns.  Rooted strongly in faith they knew God was in control.

With our move to the DFW area we were excited to find our place in a much more diverse world.  But we realized the church we had began visiting clearly was not diverse.  Even in the midst of a large populated area our girls were yet again the only black attendees.  My heart was heavy and we decided to look at other churches.

We visited a church recommended by one of John's co-workers.  We arrived the first week and the roles were reversed.  In a service of 200+ there were only about 10 other white attendees.  Our girls who I thought would feel more comfortable sat at odds through the entire service.  Afterwards one commented I am not sure that service was appropriate.  I felt like I was hit with a brick.  The two in the family who I thought would leap with joy that they were no longer the odd man out were more uncomfortable than any of the others.  I mean the sermon was theologically sound and the music was some that we had worshipped to in the past (just in a more boisterous manner than our norm).    We opened up conversations again with them and that is when the truth finally emerged.  Our girls were scared.  They were afraid.  And my heart wept.  How did I miss it?  How did I raise two daughters who are black to fear others who look just like them?

The answer simple...because I never showed them an alternative.  Men of the faith that loved the Lord and their families.  Men who were gentle, loving just like their father.  Men who put God before others. We interacted only on a limited social level but never got to know them well.  Never had dinner in their homes.  Never attended church or gatherings.  Never truly got to know them.

So my mistake was walking through the years thinking that just because my girls were black and that we never had any prejudice in our home they would automatically connect with others that looked like them ...and boy was I wrong!  Now we realize we must be more intentional.  intentional in the same way that we were with all other areas of our parenting.  So what does that look like?

Our first step is our family attending a black church.  John and I sitting in a congregation of 200+ black members.  John and I being out of our comfort zone with worship music (but I must tell you I love to see the joy and excitement of praise).  We will listen to a pastor that preachers a much different style than we are used to and a congregation that yells "Amen", stands to clap during the sermon, and is active during the preaching.  It calls us to be uncomfortable to give my kids an experience they deserved many years before.

I know this will not fix all the issues of the world and my girls will still struggle being caught between 2 cultures but what it does is open the door for experiences and conversations.  In the process I will have grow as a person and my life will be enriched.

Live for the Chaos

Having a house full of kids there are certain problems that are just inevitable.  Many nights I will share with my husband how our kids are so destructive....or loud....or messy. He is constantly saying "It is just because there are so many of them."

I know this is true but man oh man do I wish that I could run my house like a boot camp.  Everything on a schedule.  Everything in place.  No room for off schedule interruptions.  Then I wake up from my daydreaming.  Let's face the reality of our lives as a parent.

There WILL be interruptions.
Appliances will break.
Items will be broken and need replaced.
Our kids will make poor choices.
You will be embarrassed.
Jobs will be lost.
Illnesses will happen.

But we MUST  live for the interruptions, crazy days, and troubles we will face.  In those moments we can impact the lives of our little humans the most. In those moments when things don't go our way we can show patience.  In the hectic hours we can show strength.  When everything falls apart we can show our faith.

I will be the first to admit that I lose sight of this.  Thankfully my husband and I make a great team.  We are able to remind the other of this when we have our own "moments".  So here are a few things we can do to help us remember and not get tossed around in life's daily chaos...

1.  Quiet Time:  Now I am not talking about a GNO or weekend getaway (I will have to blog later my views on those) but a true time when you shut out all the world.  A time when the sounds of the dishwasher, washing machine, and endless fighting/bickering/whining is silent.  A time when you can hear yourself breath.  A time when you can truly hear God's voice speaking to you.  Twill be honest some of my quiet time is simply sitting.  I do not read scripture or pray.  I sit quietly thinking about life.

2.  Laughter:  I LOVE to laugh and fortunately for me I have plenty to laugh at.  Whether it is the crazy stuff my kids attempt or my silly husbands jokes, I laugh....and a ton!  Just the other day I was watching my girls bicker more and more and behind the harsh words I could see that they truly were hurting each other.  So one night as just us girls were out for dinner,  I had them share something they loved about each other and something they did to make each other laugh.  Within minutes we were laughing and giggling.  The girls were thinking of happier moments with each other. The disagreements are inevitable but the memories and moments we focus on are impactful.

3. LET IT GO:  Seriously we are not in control.  Life moves along wth too many moving parts for us moms to control every detail.  So let it go.  Enjoy the ride.  Trust in God.  Most of us can recite Philippians 4:13 .

I can do all this through him who strengthens me.

But have you have you ever read the entire passage?

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4: 11-13

Although we use this scripture as a good luck chart or an insurance policy that we can do whatever it is we have set our mind on doing this is not the true meaning.  The meaning is that NO matter what you are facing you have confidence God will strengthen you to face whatever comes your way.  And THAT helps me face my day....each and every day!

Tough Question

If you have followed my blog long enough or read our story, you know we have been blessed with 7 amazing children through adoption.  What began as a calling to love those in foster care grew into what is my family now.  Two of our precious daughters look different than me.  Black or "brown skinned" as they like to refer to themselves.  I hate describing them in this way but in order to express my point I must.  You see I don't refer to our youngest as the brown eyed one or my middle son as the blue eyed one. So for me to refer to skin color seems ridiculous. (Moving on now)

We have always been open with discussions with the girls about adoption and how our family was formed.  It is hard to hide the fact they look different than us.  Funny thing they don't really recognize it.  I can tell you of several instances where one will say "I have Momma's eyes" or "I have Dad's nose"  And that is true for all of our kids. In fact as the years pass and those who don't know our adoption story will remark how one child favors us so.  We just giggle.

Recently our daughter was asked to complete forms to participate in a sport.  One of the questions was about her ethnicity.  She had selected "Other" and we told her she had to select "African American".  She was perplexed.  She responded as if she thought we were ALL African American.  We explained that it was only her and one of her sisters.  She was lost as to why.  I had to bluntly say because you have brown skin.  Her eyes burned with disbelief and she said "But I have never been to Africa and I was not born there so how can I be African American?"

Then there was silence.

How was I to respond?  What was my answer for that?  In that moment her innocence was apparent.  She was unaware of society's struggle.  The plight of those discriminated against.  In her world (our world) she was just like us.  Her skin may be a different color but that is no different than Dad having red hair and her having black hair or Mom's eyes being blue and hers being brown. She identified herself not by her skin color but by who she was with us and more importantly in Christ.

So where did that lead us?  What or how was I to respond?  Did we fail to open her eyes to the historical plight of slavery?  Did we allow our point of view and limited exposure to prejudice cloud our parenting?

Before you start shaking your head, we have shared about slavery in America and the world.  We have talked about how others judge you based on skin color, the type of house you live in, and what country you are from.  We have traveled with the girls outside of our local community and the US for that matter.

So where does that leave us?  Just where we are.  Our children growing and learning about the world around them.  Figuring who they are and what they stand for.  And what am I to do in the  midst of all of this?  Reflect with them about the world around them always pointing them to Christ for all their answers.  I don't know how to navigate through each of these situations but my faith in Christ allows me to feel confidently I am not navigating this alone.

Tears on Mother's Day

I cherish each of my children and I am thankful for God's blessing in my life through the good and the bad.  Mother's Day is a mixed bag for me.  Although there is joy and happiness there is also sadness and tears. I know you are thinking why would I be sad on a day that celebrates ME!

Whenever I consider the blessing of motherhood, I am faced with the harsh reality that my children's first mother may not enjoy the day.  My mind considers is her day one of longing to know about her children or to revel in past mistakes that brought her to her reality.  Is she at peace?  Does she know they have a wonderful mother who stepped in the gap? Yes I understand she made those choices in life but my heart breaks at the thought of her pain. I myself can list a dozen poor choices in my life and can only thank God for his grace and protection during those times.

My heart breaks for my children who are keenly away of the additional family and the barrier to see them.  As our oldest grew up a divide emerged.  When their two worlds collided together as they began to grabble with the reality of having birth parents and foster/adoptive parents added to the tough reality of growing up.  No one wins in this situation but everyone is left longing for more.  I know when we began this journey that time would be needed to heal.  My idea was a few years.  No where could I have imagined over 10 years and still fighting for healing.  No way I could have imagined the children I had chosen to adopt and love would walk away and not look back.  Loving me in the only way they know how but incomplete by most standards.

As I consider my blessings, I cannot help but to go back to a time where I struggled with infertility.  Those days with celebrations of mothers was almost too much.  So much so that I could barely find the joy and gratitude needed to celebrate my own mother.  Being blessed with children doesn't erase that pain and I know so many who are still longing for child.

So on this Mother's Day I am overwhelmed with joy at the reality I am a mother.  Something that with this crew I consider often.  But in the quiet moments my heart weeps at the pain.  So I hold on to love on this Mother's Day.

Love is patient; love is kind. Love is not jealous; is not proud; is not conceited; does not act foolishly; is not selfish; is not easily provoked to anger; keeps no record of wrongs; takes no pleasure in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Backroads

Growing up my dad loved to ride.  It was not uncommon for us to load up for a Sunday drive with no destination in mind.  We didn't have any gaming devices, phones, DVD players, or the like.  We didn't even have air conditioning.  Windows were down and probably the Eagles were playing as we cruised down winding dirt country roads.  Not much was said.  My dad did love to play the game of "Who sings this song?" which of course my mother never knew the answer but that never stopped the game from being played. Our rides would seem like hours in the car but have no idea how long our rides really were.  So why were these trips so fun?  What was it about them?

As I look back 30 years, I think it was just the simple joy of freeing ourselves from everything around us.  My sister and I knew we would not end up in "town" at a store or at some lavish vacation spot. We knew we would always end up back at our home with nothing new. We knew that we would not have anything to do but gaze out our window as the world passed by.  We expected nothing.  A boring ride.  It was up to us to enjoy the ride.

How many times in life do we get caught up in the destination or the "happenings" along the way that we never get back to enjoy the ride? How many times do we miss out on the dreaming and relaxation of a journey because we are distracted?  How many times to we set an expectation for our journey that we are consumed with achievement?

I know I have been guilty of this very thing my entire life.  Consumed with what WILL be or COULD be that I miss out on what actually IS happening. I look back and think how I wish I had enjoyed this or that more.

Early in my nursing career, I worked in long term care facilities.  Watching the residents in the last years of their life can be a haunting reality check.  When we get to the end of our lives what will we have?  What will we remember the most?  What will we think of when our eyes first open and just before they close?

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  

                                                                                     Matthew 6:19-21                      

Over the last few years I have had to learn how to shift my gears.  Transitioning from working outside of the home to working at home with the kids and managing the household has taught me to enjoy the ride and those with me.  Enjoying the simple moments of hearing my girls giggle together or watching my son craft some extraordinary daredevil trick in the yard brings such joy to my heart.  A joy I missed for so many years. Simple things of life.

Not everyone has the opportunity to stay home nor have the desire to do so.  We are all called differently and to different places at different seasons in our lives by God. But regardless of what, where, or when one thing remains true for all of us, we MUST slow down and enjoy the ride. We have opportunities to invest in those around us, in our children, our spouses, our siblings, our communities.


Check out East Texas Moms Blog for more encouragement today!

Out of Left Field

Many of my readers will remember the Transitions are Hard post in early January.  My heartfelt expression of how I was feeling with the decision to send the youngest crew back to public school. Well tomorrow we are back in the homeschool business.

Yes. I know what you are thinking.  Really?   Yes really.

So all that chatter of trusting God...letting go and letting God was just some wishy washy emotional rambling. No not ramblings or chatter but heartfelt dependence on God.  We committed 100% to trusting God with this decision.  But we got it wrong...at least for us.

Over the course of 6 weeks we watched our confident, happy, fun loving kids shift to tempermental, moody and burned out kids.  School for them was truly draining every bit of the identity I had worked hard for them to recognize.  John felt the decision was wrong after the first week.  Hours of homework, stressful assignments, and kids who felt defeated.  But we continued on, determined to use this situation to help our kids (and us) to be dependent on God.  To not fret and worry but understand God is in the details.  We were committed until a couple of things happened.

The first was my attendance at their Valentine party.  I observed my confident, natural born leader sit meekly and basically not interact with others much at all.  And no this was not normal for her.  She is socialized.  Sports and church activities has her around others her age frequently.  She is always confident but not in that school.

The second was watching my kids literally have a fist fight as we get in the car to go to church.  You ask about what.  Wait for it...it is a good one.  A bible.  Yes the fist fight was over the fact that one had a Bible the other one says was hers.

As I sat through the service, my heart was heavy.  My thoughts consumed with how I was teaching my children to know Christ.  And then a friend said..."Are we raising our kids in church or raising them in Christ?"  That hit home for me.  I want to raise my children in Christ but didn't feel I was doing that.  I knew almost immediately the decision we needed to make.

Now I am not saying that you cannot raise your children in Christ if they attend public school or a private school, or whatever school structure you choose. But what I am saying is that my children were not thriving in public school despite loving, caring and competent teachers.  My kids were changing and not how I wanted.  My kids were more distant and the busyness of school work and long hours away from home were just not working for us.  So we are transitioning again.  Not out of fear but simply because we felt we had made a mistake.

So how does that happen?  How do you think you hear God so clearly to then realize maybe not? First I need to say that I don't believe God makes mistakes.  Every thing he does or allows to happen has a purpose.  So the purpose in this you ask?  To encourage and reaffirm that what I was doing was working and was good for my kids and my family.  No we are not on track with the latest testing standards.  Yes I am educating my children at a pace that allows them to truly learn and understand.  Will they be ok?  Absolutely.  Will homeschooling be hard?  Absolutely.  Will there be days that I doubt our decisions?  Absolutely.  Will I trust in God's sovereignty?  ABSOLUTELY!!

Jana

Transitions are Hard

Well after 3 1/2 years of our homeschool journey the time for the kids to return to traditional school has arrived.  I had mixed emotions about the entire ordeal but trusting the leading of my husband and knowing in my heart God has great things planned we forged ahead.  The weeks leading up until this day I was busy with all the preparations...endless pile of forms, gathering all the needed verification documentation, ensuring apparel needs were adequate (as homeschoolers our usual clothes for the day were PJs).

But today was THE day!  I woke up to a sadness.  Tearfully getting through the morning preparations. Breakfast cooked.  Lunches prepared.  Backpacks ready.  Rooms picked up.  Inspection of hair/teeth.

Everything was ready to go....everything but this Momma!  I went to my room to gather my items to leave and broke down in tears.  How could I send them to school?  I would miss them.  Miss the chaos that had grown all too familiar.  Miss the impromptu hugs and kisses.  Miss the giggles.

It took me 20 minutes to get myself together and a few conversations with my hubby before I felt I could walk out the door.  I head back to the living room to them anxiously awaiting me.  I said "Ya'll ready?"  They all reply in unison "YES!"  Then sweet Ava Jo says "Wait we need to share something positive about each other before we go."  Rikki Rae giggles and reminds her "We have done that twice let's go already."  So we loaded up and headed to the school house.  The kids were chattering away in the car unaware of the tears rolling down my face.

We pull up and park.  We all just sit there.  I think they were as nervous as I was or maybe they were aware of what a hard time Momma was having.  I wanted to take these last few minutes and fill them with love!  So I shared how smart, beautiful, and kind they were.  I shared how God had great things planned for them.  I prayed over them.

I pulled the door handle and the cold air of the morning and the harsh reality this was REALLY going to happen hit me.  I held back the tears and the kids jogged ahead of me.

The school is expecting us and we are taken to their rooms.  The teachers were nice, the kids smiling in their classes, and each one gave me a hug.  I saw a dear friend who hugged me knowing it was a hard morning.

I met with the nurse to cover Jayden's allergies and the counselor to share about Ava Jo's tender heart.  I got my sign for the pick up line and I walked out of the school.  I sat in my car and cried.  I know you think this is silly.  I mean EVERYBODY goes to school.  They cannot stay with me forever.  But I cried...big crocodile tears.  And this is why I cried....

Will they know that Rikki Rae's toughness is really a cover for a sweet gentle child?  Will they notice her brown skin turn pink when she is upset or embarrassed?  Will they recognize her sentences get short and choppy when upset?  Will they mistake her not understanding a topic as her just being shy or quiet?  Will they be able to realize she will miss her sister Ava Jo ...Her twin since she was 6 months old?

Will they hug Ava Jo?  She really likes to hug.  Will they not have the time to give her the extra attention she craves?  Will they embrace her creativity or dismiss it as childish?  Will they see her tears as dramatics or take the time to find out why she is hurting?  Will they know she will miss her sister who has always been her biggest fan (and foe)?

Will they learn and know the face Jayden makes when he is overwhelmed?  Will they know that his eye get really big when he is trying to understand? Will they see his cheeks get red and know he is embarrassed?  Will they help him find his voice (he has lots of siblings and sometimes just goes with the flow)?  Will they recognize he is smart just takes extra time to catch on?

All of those questions is why it was so hard to drive away.  I don't know the answer.  I will never know the answer.  But I know God does.  God is in that schoolhouse.  God is in my children's heart.  He will fill the gap that might be left.  He will comfort, He will calm, He will encourage, and He will protect.  He will do all the things I want to do but can't.  He will do them all in his PERFECT and COMPLETE way.

My job as mother and child of God is TRUST him.  Trust him with the most precious things I have my children.

So moms be encouraged.  We cannot always be with our children but God is and always will be.  maybe sending them off to school isn't that difficult for you.  Maybe it is allowing them to grow up?  Or make their own decisions?  Whatever it is take heart that God has them in his hands and nothing can change God's will or sovereignty.

Order from Routine

Our life can get extremely busy.  Our own decisions put us in these situations but having a large family means it is all just part of the package deal.  You can easily get caught up in the hustle and bustle and miss the most important parts of a day.  As I pull back the reigns and attempt to slow the madness I have decided to focus on a few absolutes for each of my days.

Now I know some may think it is impossible to change or slow down, you are doing good to just keep things moving along.  But I honestly can tell you when I do these things, everything else seems more focused and organized.  Yes the chaos (and I still have lots of chaos) has some semblance of organization.

1.  Setting a time to get up and get moving for the day

I hate alarm clocks and waking up early.  Add to it that my wonderful hubby is a late snoozer as well. Mornings have always been a chore.  Before kids my favorite shift to work as a nurse was 2p-10p.  I was able to sleep until I naturally woke up, complete life's necessary errands, and still be home from work at a decent hour to get a good night's rest.

So I made a compromise to myself.  I will "sleep in" by most standards until 7:30a but no snoozing after that.  To make the deal, I schedule in a nap/relaxation time.  I love naps and not sure why after kindergarten we had to leave them behind.

2.  House Clean (or at least picked up) before bedtime

I dreaded the thought of waking up to a house that had to be cleaned, a sink full of dishes, or worse a pile of laundry on the couch to be folded.  I know I am not the only one who has had this struggle.  After late night ball games or practices, or long day of work, it is easy to skip it and leave it for tomorrow.  The extra 10 minutes will make a huge difference, just try it!  Check out a easy to follow plan here from Happy Money Saver blog.

3.  Cleaning My Face

Sounds silly but following a nightly regimen of cleaning & moisturizing has made a difference.  I have always had naturally clear skin so I had the worst habit of going to be bed without taking off my make up.  I would wake up with mascara smeared and just a grungy feel (and I wear very little make up).  But as I am aging I am finding first off that I need to be sure to take care of my skin and secondly a routine helps to settle me in for the night.  My mind runs constantly but this simple ritual has caused my mind to shift gears and realize we are closing down the crazy day train for sleep.

4.  Quiet Time

Time alone in scripture is a MUST if I am to make it through a day.  I often give myself several timeouts when I see my frustration with the kids rising.  One of the best benefits of homeschooling has been the ability to shift our schedule.  If we are having a rough morning we shift gears, get outside or spend some quiet time to reset our moods.  We have less raised voices and hurt feelings and are still able to get our daily tasks accomplished.

5.  Check In as A Family

With so many kids running in opposite directions, we make an effort to have time to be all together and talk about our day.  Our church has provided a wonderful ISpy devotional we used a few months back.  The time is short but just the 15-20 minutes of everyone together makes a world of difference.  We laugh and giggle.  We all share how we can pray for each other.  This is my favorite part of our routine.

6.  Eating healthier

If you know me you know I have always struggled to BE healthy!  Genes, bad habits, and well honestly just my own laziness to do what is needed created my struggles.  I do not want to be healthy now for vain reasons but so I can run and play for many years to come.  So I am putting meal planning and healthy eating a priority.

7.  Increasing my activity

This is everyone's resolution for a new year.  Move more.  Get fit.  Well I am no different.  Studies show that sitting behind a desk all day or plopping down in front of the TV at the end of the day is a receipt for disaster.  So I am going to get moving this year!  I always feel better and it provides a great opportunity to spend time with the kids.

So as the new year speed towards us and life continues to complicate, I am committed to these 7 simple things!  What habits will you try to stick to in 2016?

Interested in a structured 24 Day Challenge aimed at teaching you a healthier way to live and BE!  Check it out here!!

Finish the Race

We have joined a new sport...cross country.  For those who have never had the experience,  you should stop by a meet once.  We have found the fans to be some of the most supportive we have encountered in any sport.  Regardless if you are the first runner or the last runner crossing the finish line you will have a cheering section urging you to give it all you got for those final few steps.

We happened into cross country.  Our daughter was playing volleyball but we were looking for a challenge.  She had decided to take a break from softball.  You remember we had a whirlwind summer of softball.  (You can check out the amazing season in this blog post.)  We decided to just hop into cross country.

 Ready for her first race.

Well let's just say we didn't understand the commitment and training it would require of our girl.  But once we did we LOVED it even more!  Her first race was brutal.  She trained one day the week of the race.  We didn't expect much and she did amazing.  She finished the race after several periods of walking, crying and fearing she was dying in 18+ minutes.  After she gained her composure she told her father that she was certain people died on that course. Ha!  She was ready to quit and her coach was certain he would not see her again next week.

If you know us, then you know if it is hard then we will push our kids and expect them to get through it and this was no different.  So I began to incorporate running into our homeschool day.  Our girl hated it but she is built to run.  Long and lean and already physically conditioned.  So we pushed on and trained a few days at a distance of only 1.5 miles and went to our second race.

This race was a big one.  Large number of schools participated, 160 runners, and a tough course with a hill aptly named "Big Momma" with its very own sign.  Since she is homeschooled, I am technically her coach so I walk to course with her mapping out her strategy.  (Yes this will cause a giggle for those who know me.  I am not a runner nor would have ever been considered a runner.) I was exhausted after just walking the course (and we took a few shortcuts).  We still had some walking and crying...oh and she told me she hated it more than last week but she finished and finished well.  Coming in 20 seconds faster than last week  44/160 runners and able to add just a little more confidence in herself even if she couldn't see it as she was running the race. Another parent/coach encouraged her to keep up the work and in a a few months she will become accustomed to running and would be able to medal.  She just nodded and when we got to our car she told me didn't care about a medal and didn't think she could last 3 months.

I didn't get a picture of Big Momma but there

were several hills on this course.

Now I know what you are probably thinking, why make her do it if she doesn't want to?  What purpose does that serve? We decided to let this be a teaching moment (or rather moments).  A gifted athlete that has excelled in sports fairly easily up until this point has met her match.  Something that seems almost insurmountable in her eyes.  Something she just isn't that good at and honestly doesn't want to do.

Doesn't that sound a little like life?  There are days that I don't think I am very good at my job as a mother or wife and would rather just shut the world away than face it but I don't get to do that.  This on a small scale could teach our girl how to face those days and push through.  So we talked and talked (and did I mention talked) to her about running, training, and never giving up.  She has no idea the life lessons she is learning but I do!  This is the fun part of parenting!!

Later that night, we talked about the race and how it went.  I asked her if she remembered what our goal was for today and she did...it was to beat her time from last week.  When I told her that she had she smiled and said "Really? Maybe I can do this." And that was the spark!  The spark I want all my kids to have.  The spark that they can DO things they put their minds and hearts into completely.

We went back to training and established a few goals for the week.

1.  No crying while running.  Her daddy can't stand it and honestly you really cannot breath well crying.
2.  No walking or stopping during the race so pick a pace you can maintain.
3.  Give it all you got when you see the finish line.

She was able to accomplish all three in her 3rd race.  She finished 2 minutes faster this week!  The spark was now a small flickering flame.  She didn't win a medal but the pride she had in herself was all over her face.  She had set goals, worked for those goals, and trusted in God to provide a way to meet her goals.  Side note...she still hated this running thing and was ready to be done with the season.

I decided to change her training up a little as I felt she was thinking about things too much.  I set a run keeper app and a timer at 15 minutes on an iPod and told her to run as fast as she could without stopping until the timer went off.  She took off all smiles.  I thought...Oh I wonder how long she will last.  She passed me after 15 minutes and kept running.  She ended up running for over 28 minutes and finished 4+ miles.  Not bad for a girl who hates to run.  

The next race drew a smaller number of competitors but a challenging course with hills.  Our girl took off and as she saw her daddy after one of the big hills she said I am good and took off.  She finished in 2nd place with a 14:30 finish (a minute faster) than last week and didn't seem winded at the end.  There were no tears and she got a medal.  Maybe this running wasn't so bad after all.

All smiles after the race.

Her next race would be the biggest and would have her face over 150 runners from the public & private schools all over east Texas.  She ran a fast pace and was all smiles.  She pushed herself and ended up with a few tears and tripping at the finish line (in her words "I collapsed" in a rather dramatic tone).  It paid off she finished 5th with a 13:43 (her fastest time yet).  We have an inferno now!  She is motivated, she is confidant, and she believes she can do anything with God's help. In less than a month she has improved her time by more than 4 minutes!

Best time so far!

Our season is wrapping up soon with just a few meets left.  Our girl trained on Sunday this week with her younger sisters.  Next year we will have 4 runners to cheer on.  Some will finish first, some will finish last, and one I am hoping will just finish.  But again where they finish isn't important.  Winning medals wasn't what has made this season so fun.  Watching our girl transform before our eyes was THE season.

So next time you are afraid to push your kids, or don't want to see them fail reconsider.  Maybe we don't push enough.  Maybe we don't let them fail enough.  The world is cruel and they will fail.  I like the idea they fail with me rather than later without me.  I can guide, encourage, and hopefully teach how to pick themselves back up.  I can direct them to God for their confidence and strength, to see who they really are, and to be certain that their successes and failures are not what defines them but rather God does.

In the last month we were on this journey into running, we were able to talk about what commitment looks like, how do we define failure or success in this arena, how hard pays off, and what it means to "dig deep" when you think you have nothing left.  We were able to let our girl experience self-motivation.  No one was on the trail with her running.  No one was yelling in the back part of the race...no one watching.  It was all on her.  She had the choice.  But you can bet that no matter what place or time she crossed that finish line I was all smiles, hugs, and cheers!  And that is what it is all about Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Proud Momma cheering her on at the finish.

Approval Rating

I think all moms can agree we would love to have 100%  approval ratings in our households.  A gold star on the dishwasher for someone noticing they had a clean bowl for breakfast, or added privileges for dinner being on time each night.  Let's face it as mothers our approval ratings are low (and honestly if your approval rating is high check for an alien invasion). We are clearly out of touch with reality, we don't understand, and we simply live to complicate the lives of those little humans that live in our houses.  I don't know about you but after a long day of cooking, cleaning, laundry, homeschooling, and taxi service I spend several hours finding ways to complicate the lives of the little humans I love! I find great joy in the struggle over the details of life said no mother EVER! In reality there are moments when I consider taking the easy road.  The road of less resistance just to have one afternoon...who am I kidding I would take one hour of easy.

Parenting can cause us to be easily discouraged.  Is this what life is all about?  The back and forth debate over social media, cell phone usage, and appropriate dress?  Or is there more? I have good news!  As mothers we are to teach and live in a way that God's word is seen throughout our lives.  We cannot simply drag our kids to church on Sundays and sign them up for the cool youth group.  We must live in such a way that we ARE the example.

I know you are probably thinking I liked the idea of arguing over cell phones much more than this.  I understand the burden that you may feel but we can be encouraged because we do not have to face this seemingly daunting task alone.  God can and will provide all that we need.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.  Luke 12:31

We can stand on the promises of God's word.  We know He will provide everything we need. For my personal journey, I find that I must carve out time for myself.  I am not talking about girls night out but time for me to spend with the Lord.  Some days it is 10 minutes and some days it is an hour.  Honestly a few days last week, I put myself in timeout and had extra time with the Lord.  Both I and my kids appreciated it!  My time in scripture and prayer provides me focus and clarity, clears anxiety and worry that I tend to pick up each day, and renews my soul.  One of my favorite scriptures is Psalms 34:10 and the image of a lion in all its strength and prowess is no comparison to those who seek the Lord is powerful.

So mothers be encouraged for at the end of the day we have no greater joy than for our children to know the Lord.  I will continue to accept my low approval ratings knowing in my heart that in the end the greater good is being served as we are Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Summer is Over!

I know many that follow the blog may be thinking that I have decided to stop blogging.  NO!!  Life just sped up this summer.  So to catch everyone up on where life has taken us!

Summer arrived and schedules went out the window!  I love the idea of no alarm clocks and relaxed schedules!  When June rolled around we took a break from homeschooling (like most schools)!  The kids enjoyed swimming, sleeping in, and just plain old being a kid.

And the rest of the summer was softball.  No really!  Our girls Rikki Rae and Torri were selected for All Stars and advanced to State Tournament.  After facing great competition, the girls won the State Championship!  An amazing accomplishment for the girls.  With this they qualified for the World Series in North Carolina.

Nothing says love like 16+ hours in the car with 5 kids!  Memories were made and a few "We will NEVER" were said!  Best part of the trip was that my husband was able to visit with family who live in the area.  When all was said in done, we had an amazing summer but we are ready to get back to reality!!

We will be homeschooling 4 of our 5.  S Man will be in 7th grade in public school.  The remaining kiddos (7th, 5th, 5th, & 5th) will be homeschooled again.

With schedule back in full force and time management a priority my blogging will resume!  Check back soon!

THAT person

I have always been an independent spirit.  I enjoy my time alone and prefer family time than any other activity.  So I can count close friendships on one hand but I was always fine with that because I am very much an introvert and socializing wears me out! Friendships have always been elusive or at least the friendships I had seen on TV or in the news feed of my social media.  The girlfriends or couples that plan get togethers or movie night with a girlfriend or two.  Selfies of the besties with a very clever hashtag (or pound sign as I call it).

But I recently started a study on the life of Jesus and the study had me look at the relationship between Elizabeth and Mary.  Following the angel Gabriel telling Mary she was bearing a son, she traveled to Elizabeth.  Elizabeth barren and now much older  was expecting as well.  Two women experiencing something that would be considered impossible by man's standard.

When Mary arrived, Elizabeth shared in the joy of Mary's news.

"And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb.  and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and she exclaimed with a loud cry, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb!"  Luke 1:41-42

Elizabeth could have reacted very differently to the situation.   Mary's situation was quite unbelievable...miraculous.  But Elizabeth was overjoyed.

I have lived this life of foster care and adoption for the past 10 years too busy making it through each day to evaluate who the "Elizabeths" were in my life.  Those women who understood my struggles and never judged me.  Who open heartedly accepted me and all the struggles I faced.  Who openly loved my broken children who had meltdowns in public and showed little remorse.  Who never blamed me for misbehaving of my children but prayed fervently for my strength and wisdom to overcome.  Who understood that no matter how much I loved my kids they may never love me back and that wasn't because of me. Who never criticized my parenting but lovingly offered their support.  Who held me accountable for how I react to my life without making me feel like a total failure.  Who I am sure spent many hours praying for me, my kids, and our family.

A true friend.  Less concerned with our social calendar and more concerned with encouraging me to live the life God intended; however difficult that road might be.

They bought a ticket for the crazy train.  I was overwhelmed with the thought of how God places others in our life to share in our joy and to understand the peculiarity of our life.  For most that may not seem like a big deal.  But for me this was overwhelming.  I am continually amazed at how God loves me and provides for my every need...even those needs we don't think or know we have.

So as I recognized how God had placed all of these people in my life over the years, I felt a heavy burden to be that person for others.  And in true Jana-crazy-worry style, I fretted that I had missed many opportunities over the years to be that person. Ha! But I am resolved to be THAT person as we are all Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

For the Sanctity of My Marriage

If you missed last week's Supreme Court ruling on same sex marriage you were either living under a rock, out of the country on vacation with no access to modern conveniences, or you live as a hermit.  The media coverage and response was plastered all over social media and the news.  People on both sides of the issue were filled with emotion.

I am not going to lie...we are a traditional values-God fearing - people loving family.  So the ruling was not one received with joy and excitement.  I do not subscribe to the idea of hate and never intentionally do so (but God has been known to set me straight a few times).  Those that know me understand my tendency to share my mind and offer my point of view so you would think I would have been busy last week spreading my point of view.  Well I said nothing!  I posted nothing!  I only shared my heart with a few close friends.  I sat back and watched the blasts being shot from both sides and sighed.

 I spent time thinking about what did this mean for me and my family.  How do I explain this to my kids?  How do we respond to the possible invite to a friend's marriage ceremony? How do I respond when asked my opinion on the topic?  How was I supposed to represent Christ's love through this shift in society?

Now don't stop reading just yet...stay with me.  I promise no matter what side of this issue you stand you can appreciate my words.

First, I must stand on the truths of God and be clear that I believe that marriage is intended to be between one man and one women for eternity.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.  Genesis 2:24

So I cannot accept the ruling of the Court and we as a family do not look to our government to define truth.

Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. Psalm 86:11

So what will I do?

I will defend the sanctity of marriage by ensuring I am defending the sanctity of MY marriage.  I will live in a way that my marriage is set apart just as God has called Christians to be set apart.  So what do I mean?

When John and I first met, I refused to date him and our relationship consisted of late night phone calls into the early morning hours and his insistent annoyance of me.  He became my best friend (and still is today).  I am not joking when I tell you that when we decided we wanted to move forward with our relationship I had a set of rules. Seemingly silly and overbearing but it was my way of expressing my heart's desire for my husband.  John agreed and off to the chapel we went!

Those rules (even though I made them for selfish reasons) actually outlined how I needed John to love me.  Pure. Holy. Not to be confused with the lustful love but one of steadfast love that would stand the test of time.  (Side Note:  I was far from perfect or holy.  Looking back now I know my actions and attitudes grieved God.  Yet something within me was calling out for something better in my life. But more on that in a future blog.)

So to defend marriage, I will battle against the the enemy as he attempts to attack my marriage.  I will guard against infidelity, bitterness, jealousy, selfishness, and various other sinful behaviors that can destroy my marriage.  I will lovingly forgive my husband and accept him as the man God chose to be my husband.  I will not compare him to others.  I will not subject myself to movies, books, or TV that would have me look to another instead of my husband.  And most importantly I will continue to seek God for guidance in my marriage.

You see for me to stand up and defend the sanctity of marriage, I must do so on all fronts and not just those areas I pick and choose. So as John and I are Growing Up on Dublin Lane we will continue to fight for our marriage and defend the covenant we entered 16 years ago.

The Day We Never Wanted

We had been on this road before.  Our years as foster parent and adoptive parents had made us no stranger to psychiatric facilities.  We had loved on and prayed over a dozen kids over the years.  Always knowing a battle was being fought.  A battle the enemy wanted to win.  He didn't want our kids to know Christ.  He wanted them angry, bitter, and doubting.  He used their horrible past experiences to cause our kids to question how God could love them. To question if God existed. We were ready for the battle.  Confident in Christ.  Trusting without any guarantees about the future.

For we do not wrestle against 

flesh and blood, but against the rulers,

against the authorities, against the cosmic powers

over the present darkness, against the spiritual forces 

of evil in the heavenly places.  Ephesians 6:12

So this last trip to the psychiatric hospital should have been just like all the rest.  But this time it felt different.  Maybe because the kid in the backseat was having one of his best days in weeks.  Affectionate, loving, calm.  Maybe because he had no idea what was going to happen because for him this was just another doctor or therapist visit.  We had been to many over the last 2 years.  Each time changing this or tweaking that. ...suggesting this or that.  Maybe it was the last week of sleepless nights that had me in a daze.  A kid who couldn't or wouldn't sleep...escaping out windows to roam the neighborhood.  Maybe it was the overwhelming guilt. Maybe it was I was still worn out from the last big meltdown.  Hearing my son screaming profanities...completely out of control...so out of control my normal calming techniques and restraints were no match.  Maybe it was me questioning myself.  We had been here before time and time again..is it ME?  Am I the problem?  Maybe my kid is fine and I just don't know how to parent?

Maybe it was due to the fact that up until a couple of years ago this kid had seemed to beat the odds.  He had overcame the abuse and neglect.  His body had healed from the exposure to drugs and alcohol.  His heart had forgiven and was able to receive love.  He had attended a local college prep private school for several years and public school mainstream with no supports.  I remember watching from afar and thinking "he looks normal" and my heart leaped with joy!  We did it! We conquered!  We won!!  I needed that.  We had had so many failures over the past few years.  Adoption and parenting is not easy.  I needed a victory and I had it.

But then something shifted.  Everything changed.  Someone hit reset and we were back to square one.  Everything we had overcome was back.  The behaviors, the anger, the defiance were all back and multiplied.

We sought help, we prayed, we changed parenting techniques.  I cried.  A lot.  I got angry.  I was angry with God.  I was angry with myself.  I was angry with my husband.  Life wasn't fair...this wasn't fair!  I found myself pulling away from others.  I would put on a mask every day and go through the day but inside I was a mess.  I finally broke.  But my brokenness was just a dead calm...an emptiness.  It was almost as if I was watching the world around me spin and twirl and I moved in slow motion.  No color.  No sound.  Just silence.

So maybe that was why this trip was different.  Maybe I was not hopeful that they could help.

This time it was harder.  I left my son crying and begging to come home with us. Between tears he promised to be "good" and I was heartbroken.  Hearing him say he was cursed by God was devastating.  Had the enemy won?  Did we lose?  I cried the entire ride home.  My sweet husband reassuring me the whole ride home.  And slowly my life sped up.  The colors were back.  The sounds were back and I felt like someone was fast forwarding my life.  I laid down that night not sure how I could face the next day.  I was numb.  I was overwhelmed.  I was desperate.

But the new morning came and new mercies arrived.  The reality of our situation remained.  I was not transported to a different life.  I had my same life but I had hope.  I had joy.  I had God.  So I felt ready to face the day, the week, the years ahead.

My days now are filled with moments of sadness, fear, and hopelessness but I turn to God in prayer.  Those moments of emotion are fleeting.  I admit that my days now are almost a continuous prayer.  I wake at night and pray.  I find myself sitting and praying. I work and pray. Continually calling on the Lord.   I know that the only solution to our current situation is found in God.

You shall walk after the Lord your God and 

fear him and keep his commandments and 

obey his voice, and you shall serve him and 

hold fast to him.  Deuteronomy 13:4

My overwhelming prayer for my son and all my children is to love the Lord with all of their being.  To find joy in HIM alone.  In the middle of this life to find the solid ground of Christ.  I cannot protect them.  I want them to be broken for HIM.  I know how that sounds but I want them to be able to get to the point that God is their hope...their only hope.  

So as I am Growing Up on Dublin, I am letting go more and growing in the faith and knowledge of Christ in every struggle we face.  I know we will have many more trying times ahead but I have the hope and peace that can only come from Christ to sustain me.