Our daughter's team didn't place and this gave us the opportunity to discuss with our kids competition. As social media from our friends is flooded with posts and comments, we saw a wide range of emotions and outlooks on the weekend from "being proud" to "so glad the girls had fun". I am sure this blog will not be favorable to many but....
We were not proud of the performance. The fact that my kids had a fun weekend did not make it ok. Now I am not one of those crazed little league parents (well maybe you think I am). But I don't believe that teaching our kids that it is okay if they don't win as long as they had fun or to be proud when the performance was subpar. We compete to win...not at all costs but we compete to win. There is a score. There is 1st place. There is a competition. So how do we handle a situation like this as a parent? How do we balance unconditional parental love and exposing our kids to the harsh reality they were not good enough?
I can only tell you what we try to convey to our kids:
You cannot be #1 in everything you do.
99.9% of the time there is someone that is better than you.
Hard work doesn't mean you have talent.
Talent doesn't mean you don't need to work hard.
And John's personal favorite: If your not first you are last.
But we also teach our kids about the source of their value. It is not in what they have done. My love for them is not tied to the number of trophies they win, the points they score, or acclaim they achieve. My acceptance of them is not conditional on winning.
So after this weekend, we didn't tell our daughter we were proud of the performance or that we were happy they had fun. We didn't talk about what went wrong and how to fix it (we leave that to the coach). We talked about how did she practice leading up to the performance? How did she encourage her teammates? Did she take responsibility for her contribution (or lack thereof)? We were able to reinforce how important putting in the work at practice every day was key. We talked about what does it really mean to be a team.
I want my kids to know that they will lose and they will fail. I want their failures to push them to be more than they are today. I want them to understand the value of hard work. I want my kids to know that just because they work hard doesn't mean they deserve to win if the competition is better. But more than anything I want them to know....
Your value is not summed up in HOW WELL you compete but in HOW you compete.
I am sure this will not be most folks favorite post but I wanted to share my heart. As most of my parenting over the years, I live and learn. I am constantly prompted by God to reconsider my views. I am forced to continually grow in Christ and as a parent. This area of my life will be no different Growing Up on Dublin Lane.
Jana
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