Order from Routine

Our life can get extremely busy.  Our own decisions put us in these situations but having a large family means it is all just part of the package deal.  You can easily get caught up in the hustle and bustle and miss the most important parts of a day.  As I pull back the reigns and attempt to slow the madness I have decided to focus on a few absolutes for each of my days.

Now I know some may think it is impossible to change or slow down, you are doing good to just keep things moving along.  But I honestly can tell you when I do these things, everything else seems more focused and organized.  Yes the chaos (and I still have lots of chaos) has some semblance of organization.

1.  Setting a time to get up and get moving for the day

I hate alarm clocks and waking up early.  Add to it that my wonderful hubby is a late snoozer as well. Mornings have always been a chore.  Before kids my favorite shift to work as a nurse was 2p-10p.  I was able to sleep until I naturally woke up, complete life's necessary errands, and still be home from work at a decent hour to get a good night's rest.

So I made a compromise to myself.  I will "sleep in" by most standards until 7:30a but no snoozing after that.  To make the deal, I schedule in a nap/relaxation time.  I love naps and not sure why after kindergarten we had to leave them behind.

2.  House Clean (or at least picked up) before bedtime

I dreaded the thought of waking up to a house that had to be cleaned, a sink full of dishes, or worse a pile of laundry on the couch to be folded.  I know I am not the only one who has had this struggle.  After late night ball games or practices, or long day of work, it is easy to skip it and leave it for tomorrow.  The extra 10 minutes will make a huge difference, just try it!  Check out a easy to follow plan here from Happy Money Saver blog.

3.  Cleaning My Face

Sounds silly but following a nightly regimen of cleaning & moisturizing has made a difference.  I have always had naturally clear skin so I had the worst habit of going to be bed without taking off my make up.  I would wake up with mascara smeared and just a grungy feel (and I wear very little make up).  But as I am aging I am finding first off that I need to be sure to take care of my skin and secondly a routine helps to settle me in for the night.  My mind runs constantly but this simple ritual has caused my mind to shift gears and realize we are closing down the crazy day train for sleep.

4.  Quiet Time

Time alone in scripture is a MUST if I am to make it through a day.  I often give myself several timeouts when I see my frustration with the kids rising.  One of the best benefits of homeschooling has been the ability to shift our schedule.  If we are having a rough morning we shift gears, get outside or spend some quiet time to reset our moods.  We have less raised voices and hurt feelings and are still able to get our daily tasks accomplished.

5.  Check In as A Family

With so many kids running in opposite directions, we make an effort to have time to be all together and talk about our day.  Our church has provided a wonderful ISpy devotional we used a few months back.  The time is short but just the 15-20 minutes of everyone together makes a world of difference.  We laugh and giggle.  We all share how we can pray for each other.  This is my favorite part of our routine.

6.  Eating healthier

If you know me you know I have always struggled to BE healthy!  Genes, bad habits, and well honestly just my own laziness to do what is needed created my struggles.  I do not want to be healthy now for vain reasons but so I can run and play for many years to come.  So I am putting meal planning and healthy eating a priority.

7.  Increasing my activity

This is everyone's resolution for a new year.  Move more.  Get fit.  Well I am no different.  Studies show that sitting behind a desk all day or plopping down in front of the TV at the end of the day is a receipt for disaster.  So I am going to get moving this year!  I always feel better and it provides a great opportunity to spend time with the kids.

So as the new year speed towards us and life continues to complicate, I am committed to these 7 simple things!  What habits will you try to stick to in 2016?

Interested in a structured 24 Day Challenge aimed at teaching you a healthier way to live and BE!  Check it out here!!

Finish the Race

We have joined a new sport...cross country.  For those who have never had the experience,  you should stop by a meet once.  We have found the fans to be some of the most supportive we have encountered in any sport.  Regardless if you are the first runner or the last runner crossing the finish line you will have a cheering section urging you to give it all you got for those final few steps.

We happened into cross country.  Our daughter was playing volleyball but we were looking for a challenge.  She had decided to take a break from softball.  You remember we had a whirlwind summer of softball.  (You can check out the amazing season in this blog post.)  We decided to just hop into cross country.

 Ready for her first race.

Well let's just say we didn't understand the commitment and training it would require of our girl.  But once we did we LOVED it even more!  Her first race was brutal.  She trained one day the week of the race.  We didn't expect much and she did amazing.  She finished the race after several periods of walking, crying and fearing she was dying in 18+ minutes.  After she gained her composure she told her father that she was certain people died on that course. Ha!  She was ready to quit and her coach was certain he would not see her again next week.

If you know us, then you know if it is hard then we will push our kids and expect them to get through it and this was no different.  So I began to incorporate running into our homeschool day.  Our girl hated it but she is built to run.  Long and lean and already physically conditioned.  So we pushed on and trained a few days at a distance of only 1.5 miles and went to our second race.

This race was a big one.  Large number of schools participated, 160 runners, and a tough course with a hill aptly named "Big Momma" with its very own sign.  Since she is homeschooled, I am technically her coach so I walk to course with her mapping out her strategy.  (Yes this will cause a giggle for those who know me.  I am not a runner nor would have ever been considered a runner.) I was exhausted after just walking the course (and we took a few shortcuts).  We still had some walking and crying...oh and she told me she hated it more than last week but she finished and finished well.  Coming in 20 seconds faster than last week  44/160 runners and able to add just a little more confidence in herself even if she couldn't see it as she was running the race. Another parent/coach encouraged her to keep up the work and in a a few months she will become accustomed to running and would be able to medal.  She just nodded and when we got to our car she told me didn't care about a medal and didn't think she could last 3 months.

I didn't get a picture of Big Momma but there

were several hills on this course.

Now I know what you are probably thinking, why make her do it if she doesn't want to?  What purpose does that serve? We decided to let this be a teaching moment (or rather moments).  A gifted athlete that has excelled in sports fairly easily up until this point has met her match.  Something that seems almost insurmountable in her eyes.  Something she just isn't that good at and honestly doesn't want to do.

Doesn't that sound a little like life?  There are days that I don't think I am very good at my job as a mother or wife and would rather just shut the world away than face it but I don't get to do that.  This on a small scale could teach our girl how to face those days and push through.  So we talked and talked (and did I mention talked) to her about running, training, and never giving up.  She has no idea the life lessons she is learning but I do!  This is the fun part of parenting!!

Later that night, we talked about the race and how it went.  I asked her if she remembered what our goal was for today and she did...it was to beat her time from last week.  When I told her that she had she smiled and said "Really? Maybe I can do this." And that was the spark!  The spark I want all my kids to have.  The spark that they can DO things they put their minds and hearts into completely.

We went back to training and established a few goals for the week.

1.  No crying while running.  Her daddy can't stand it and honestly you really cannot breath well crying.
2.  No walking or stopping during the race so pick a pace you can maintain.
3.  Give it all you got when you see the finish line.

She was able to accomplish all three in her 3rd race.  She finished 2 minutes faster this week!  The spark was now a small flickering flame.  She didn't win a medal but the pride she had in herself was all over her face.  She had set goals, worked for those goals, and trusted in God to provide a way to meet her goals.  Side note...she still hated this running thing and was ready to be done with the season.

I decided to change her training up a little as I felt she was thinking about things too much.  I set a run keeper app and a timer at 15 minutes on an iPod and told her to run as fast as she could without stopping until the timer went off.  She took off all smiles.  I thought...Oh I wonder how long she will last.  She passed me after 15 minutes and kept running.  She ended up running for over 28 minutes and finished 4+ miles.  Not bad for a girl who hates to run.  

The next race drew a smaller number of competitors but a challenging course with hills.  Our girl took off and as she saw her daddy after one of the big hills she said I am good and took off.  She finished in 2nd place with a 14:30 finish (a minute faster) than last week and didn't seem winded at the end.  There were no tears and she got a medal.  Maybe this running wasn't so bad after all.

All smiles after the race.

Her next race would be the biggest and would have her face over 150 runners from the public & private schools all over east Texas.  She ran a fast pace and was all smiles.  She pushed herself and ended up with a few tears and tripping at the finish line (in her words "I collapsed" in a rather dramatic tone).  It paid off she finished 5th with a 13:43 (her fastest time yet).  We have an inferno now!  She is motivated, she is confidant, and she believes she can do anything with God's help. In less than a month she has improved her time by more than 4 minutes!

Best time so far!

Our season is wrapping up soon with just a few meets left.  Our girl trained on Sunday this week with her younger sisters.  Next year we will have 4 runners to cheer on.  Some will finish first, some will finish last, and one I am hoping will just finish.  But again where they finish isn't important.  Winning medals wasn't what has made this season so fun.  Watching our girl transform before our eyes was THE season.

So next time you are afraid to push your kids, or don't want to see them fail reconsider.  Maybe we don't push enough.  Maybe we don't let them fail enough.  The world is cruel and they will fail.  I like the idea they fail with me rather than later without me.  I can guide, encourage, and hopefully teach how to pick themselves back up.  I can direct them to God for their confidence and strength, to see who they really are, and to be certain that their successes and failures are not what defines them but rather God does.

In the last month we were on this journey into running, we were able to talk about what commitment looks like, how do we define failure or success in this arena, how hard pays off, and what it means to "dig deep" when you think you have nothing left.  We were able to let our girl experience self-motivation.  No one was on the trail with her running.  No one was yelling in the back part of the race...no one watching.  It was all on her.  She had the choice.  But you can bet that no matter what place or time she crossed that finish line I was all smiles, hugs, and cheers!  And that is what it is all about Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Proud Momma cheering her on at the finish.

Approval Rating

I think all moms can agree we would love to have 100%  approval ratings in our households.  A gold star on the dishwasher for someone noticing they had a clean bowl for breakfast, or added privileges for dinner being on time each night.  Let's face it as mothers our approval ratings are low (and honestly if your approval rating is high check for an alien invasion). We are clearly out of touch with reality, we don't understand, and we simply live to complicate the lives of those little humans that live in our houses.  I don't know about you but after a long day of cooking, cleaning, laundry, homeschooling, and taxi service I spend several hours finding ways to complicate the lives of the little humans I love! I find great joy in the struggle over the details of life said no mother EVER! In reality there are moments when I consider taking the easy road.  The road of less resistance just to have one afternoon...who am I kidding I would take one hour of easy.

Parenting can cause us to be easily discouraged.  Is this what life is all about?  The back and forth debate over social media, cell phone usage, and appropriate dress?  Or is there more? I have good news!  As mothers we are to teach and live in a way that God's word is seen throughout our lives.  We cannot simply drag our kids to church on Sundays and sign them up for the cool youth group.  We must live in such a way that we ARE the example.

I know you are probably thinking I liked the idea of arguing over cell phones much more than this.  I understand the burden that you may feel but we can be encouraged because we do not have to face this seemingly daunting task alone.  God can and will provide all that we need.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.  Luke 12:31

We can stand on the promises of God's word.  We know He will provide everything we need. For my personal journey, I find that I must carve out time for myself.  I am not talking about girls night out but time for me to spend with the Lord.  Some days it is 10 minutes and some days it is an hour.  Honestly a few days last week, I put myself in timeout and had extra time with the Lord.  Both I and my kids appreciated it!  My time in scripture and prayer provides me focus and clarity, clears anxiety and worry that I tend to pick up each day, and renews my soul.  One of my favorite scriptures is Psalms 34:10 and the image of a lion in all its strength and prowess is no comparison to those who seek the Lord is powerful.

So mothers be encouraged for at the end of the day we have no greater joy than for our children to know the Lord.  I will continue to accept my low approval ratings knowing in my heart that in the end the greater good is being served as we are Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Summer is Over!

I know many that follow the blog may be thinking that I have decided to stop blogging.  NO!!  Life just sped up this summer.  So to catch everyone up on where life has taken us!

Summer arrived and schedules went out the window!  I love the idea of no alarm clocks and relaxed schedules!  When June rolled around we took a break from homeschooling (like most schools)!  The kids enjoyed swimming, sleeping in, and just plain old being a kid.

And the rest of the summer was softball.  No really!  Our girls Rikki Rae and Torri were selected for All Stars and advanced to State Tournament.  After facing great competition, the girls won the State Championship!  An amazing accomplishment for the girls.  With this they qualified for the World Series in North Carolina.

Nothing says love like 16+ hours in the car with 5 kids!  Memories were made and a few "We will NEVER" were said!  Best part of the trip was that my husband was able to visit with family who live in the area.  When all was said in done, we had an amazing summer but we are ready to get back to reality!!

We will be homeschooling 4 of our 5.  S Man will be in 7th grade in public school.  The remaining kiddos (7th, 5th, 5th, & 5th) will be homeschooled again.

With schedule back in full force and time management a priority my blogging will resume!  Check back soon!

THAT person

I have always been an independent spirit.  I enjoy my time alone and prefer family time than any other activity.  So I can count close friendships on one hand but I was always fine with that because I am very much an introvert and socializing wears me out! Friendships have always been elusive or at least the friendships I had seen on TV or in the news feed of my social media.  The girlfriends or couples that plan get togethers or movie night with a girlfriend or two.  Selfies of the besties with a very clever hashtag (or pound sign as I call it).

But I recently started a study on the life of Jesus and the study had me look at the relationship between Elizabeth and Mary.  Following the angel Gabriel telling Mary she was bearing a son, she traveled to Elizabeth.  Elizabeth barren and now much older  was expecting as well.  Two women experiencing something that would be considered impossible by man's standard.

When Mary arrived, Elizabeth shared in the joy of Mary's news.

"And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb.  and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and she exclaimed with a loud cry, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb!"  Luke 1:41-42

Elizabeth could have reacted very differently to the situation.   Mary's situation was quite unbelievable...miraculous.  But Elizabeth was overjoyed.

I have lived this life of foster care and adoption for the past 10 years too busy making it through each day to evaluate who the "Elizabeths" were in my life.  Those women who understood my struggles and never judged me.  Who open heartedly accepted me and all the struggles I faced.  Who openly loved my broken children who had meltdowns in public and showed little remorse.  Who never blamed me for misbehaving of my children but prayed fervently for my strength and wisdom to overcome.  Who understood that no matter how much I loved my kids they may never love me back and that wasn't because of me. Who never criticized my parenting but lovingly offered their support.  Who held me accountable for how I react to my life without making me feel like a total failure.  Who I am sure spent many hours praying for me, my kids, and our family.

A true friend.  Less concerned with our social calendar and more concerned with encouraging me to live the life God intended; however difficult that road might be.

They bought a ticket for the crazy train.  I was overwhelmed with the thought of how God places others in our life to share in our joy and to understand the peculiarity of our life.  For most that may not seem like a big deal.  But for me this was overwhelming.  I am continually amazed at how God loves me and provides for my every need...even those needs we don't think or know we have.

So as I recognized how God had placed all of these people in my life over the years, I felt a heavy burden to be that person for others.  And in true Jana-crazy-worry style, I fretted that I had missed many opportunities over the years to be that person. Ha! But I am resolved to be THAT person as we are all Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

For the Sanctity of My Marriage

If you missed last week's Supreme Court ruling on same sex marriage you were either living under a rock, out of the country on vacation with no access to modern conveniences, or you live as a hermit.  The media coverage and response was plastered all over social media and the news.  People on both sides of the issue were filled with emotion.

I am not going to lie...we are a traditional values-God fearing - people loving family.  So the ruling was not one received with joy and excitement.  I do not subscribe to the idea of hate and never intentionally do so (but God has been known to set me straight a few times).  Those that know me understand my tendency to share my mind and offer my point of view so you would think I would have been busy last week spreading my point of view.  Well I said nothing!  I posted nothing!  I only shared my heart with a few close friends.  I sat back and watched the blasts being shot from both sides and sighed.

 I spent time thinking about what did this mean for me and my family.  How do I explain this to my kids?  How do we respond to the possible invite to a friend's marriage ceremony? How do I respond when asked my opinion on the topic?  How was I supposed to represent Christ's love through this shift in society?

Now don't stop reading just yet...stay with me.  I promise no matter what side of this issue you stand you can appreciate my words.

First, I must stand on the truths of God and be clear that I believe that marriage is intended to be between one man and one women for eternity.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.  Genesis 2:24

So I cannot accept the ruling of the Court and we as a family do not look to our government to define truth.

Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. Psalm 86:11

So what will I do?

I will defend the sanctity of marriage by ensuring I am defending the sanctity of MY marriage.  I will live in a way that my marriage is set apart just as God has called Christians to be set apart.  So what do I mean?

When John and I first met, I refused to date him and our relationship consisted of late night phone calls into the early morning hours and his insistent annoyance of me.  He became my best friend (and still is today).  I am not joking when I tell you that when we decided we wanted to move forward with our relationship I had a set of rules. Seemingly silly and overbearing but it was my way of expressing my heart's desire for my husband.  John agreed and off to the chapel we went!

Those rules (even though I made them for selfish reasons) actually outlined how I needed John to love me.  Pure. Holy. Not to be confused with the lustful love but one of steadfast love that would stand the test of time.  (Side Note:  I was far from perfect or holy.  Looking back now I know my actions and attitudes grieved God.  Yet something within me was calling out for something better in my life. But more on that in a future blog.)

So to defend marriage, I will battle against the the enemy as he attempts to attack my marriage.  I will guard against infidelity, bitterness, jealousy, selfishness, and various other sinful behaviors that can destroy my marriage.  I will lovingly forgive my husband and accept him as the man God chose to be my husband.  I will not compare him to others.  I will not subject myself to movies, books, or TV that would have me look to another instead of my husband.  And most importantly I will continue to seek God for guidance in my marriage.

You see for me to stand up and defend the sanctity of marriage, I must do so on all fronts and not just those areas I pick and choose. So as John and I are Growing Up on Dublin Lane we will continue to fight for our marriage and defend the covenant we entered 16 years ago.

The Day We Never Wanted

We had been on this road before.  Our years as foster parent and adoptive parents had made us no stranger to psychiatric facilities.  We had loved on and prayed over a dozen kids over the years.  Always knowing a battle was being fought.  A battle the enemy wanted to win.  He didn't want our kids to know Christ.  He wanted them angry, bitter, and doubting.  He used their horrible past experiences to cause our kids to question how God could love them. To question if God existed. We were ready for the battle.  Confident in Christ.  Trusting without any guarantees about the future.

For we do not wrestle against 

flesh and blood, but against the rulers,

against the authorities, against the cosmic powers

over the present darkness, against the spiritual forces 

of evil in the heavenly places.  Ephesians 6:12

So this last trip to the psychiatric hospital should have been just like all the rest.  But this time it felt different.  Maybe because the kid in the backseat was having one of his best days in weeks.  Affectionate, loving, calm.  Maybe because he had no idea what was going to happen because for him this was just another doctor or therapist visit.  We had been to many over the last 2 years.  Each time changing this or tweaking that. ...suggesting this or that.  Maybe it was the last week of sleepless nights that had me in a daze.  A kid who couldn't or wouldn't sleep...escaping out windows to roam the neighborhood.  Maybe it was the overwhelming guilt. Maybe it was I was still worn out from the last big meltdown.  Hearing my son screaming profanities...completely out of control...so out of control my normal calming techniques and restraints were no match.  Maybe it was me questioning myself.  We had been here before time and time again..is it ME?  Am I the problem?  Maybe my kid is fine and I just don't know how to parent?

Maybe it was due to the fact that up until a couple of years ago this kid had seemed to beat the odds.  He had overcame the abuse and neglect.  His body had healed from the exposure to drugs and alcohol.  His heart had forgiven and was able to receive love.  He had attended a local college prep private school for several years and public school mainstream with no supports.  I remember watching from afar and thinking "he looks normal" and my heart leaped with joy!  We did it! We conquered!  We won!!  I needed that.  We had had so many failures over the past few years.  Adoption and parenting is not easy.  I needed a victory and I had it.

But then something shifted.  Everything changed.  Someone hit reset and we were back to square one.  Everything we had overcome was back.  The behaviors, the anger, the defiance were all back and multiplied.

We sought help, we prayed, we changed parenting techniques.  I cried.  A lot.  I got angry.  I was angry with God.  I was angry with myself.  I was angry with my husband.  Life wasn't fair...this wasn't fair!  I found myself pulling away from others.  I would put on a mask every day and go through the day but inside I was a mess.  I finally broke.  But my brokenness was just a dead calm...an emptiness.  It was almost as if I was watching the world around me spin and twirl and I moved in slow motion.  No color.  No sound.  Just silence.

So maybe that was why this trip was different.  Maybe I was not hopeful that they could help.

This time it was harder.  I left my son crying and begging to come home with us. Between tears he promised to be "good" and I was heartbroken.  Hearing him say he was cursed by God was devastating.  Had the enemy won?  Did we lose?  I cried the entire ride home.  My sweet husband reassuring me the whole ride home.  And slowly my life sped up.  The colors were back.  The sounds were back and I felt like someone was fast forwarding my life.  I laid down that night not sure how I could face the next day.  I was numb.  I was overwhelmed.  I was desperate.

But the new morning came and new mercies arrived.  The reality of our situation remained.  I was not transported to a different life.  I had my same life but I had hope.  I had joy.  I had God.  So I felt ready to face the day, the week, the years ahead.

My days now are filled with moments of sadness, fear, and hopelessness but I turn to God in prayer.  Those moments of emotion are fleeting.  I admit that my days now are almost a continuous prayer.  I wake at night and pray.  I find myself sitting and praying. I work and pray. Continually calling on the Lord.   I know that the only solution to our current situation is found in God.

You shall walk after the Lord your God and 

fear him and keep his commandments and 

obey his voice, and you shall serve him and 

hold fast to him.  Deuteronomy 13:4

My overwhelming prayer for my son and all my children is to love the Lord with all of their being.  To find joy in HIM alone.  In the middle of this life to find the solid ground of Christ.  I cannot protect them.  I want them to be broken for HIM.  I know how that sounds but I want them to be able to get to the point that God is their hope...their only hope.  

So as I am Growing Up on Dublin, I am letting go more and growing in the faith and knowledge of Christ in every struggle we face.  I know we will have many more trying times ahead but I have the hope and peace that can only come from Christ to sustain me.

My Perspective on Motherhood

As a first time foster parent my life was very different.  I didn't get to dream of a future with my kids. I never had baby showers.  I never met or saw my children before they arrived at our door.  I entered into the relationship without many details of their previous situations.  I never knew how long they would be with me.  I didn't plan extravagant birthday celebrations.  I didn't dream of their college or what great things they would accomplish in life.   I constantly was balancing between loving openly and unconditionally with not attaching too much that I couldn't go on after they left.  That balancing act lasted about a week.  I quickly realized that God had created me to be open with reckless abandon from the moment I met each child.  No matter their struggles.  No matter the behaviors.  I loved them.  Accepted them.  And never gave up hope for them.  I still haven't.  I think often of the foster children who were in our home that had left.  Some were reunited while others needed a different setting to thrive.

But I think the hardest part was praying fervently for their biological families to respond to God and be able to be reunited with their children.  This was a very humbling experience.  To place the biological families who were imperfect and many committed acts that almost seem unforgivable above my own desires.  My desire to be a mom.  I still pray for them.  I pray that one day my children can return and be a witness to them.

I think back and early on I thought love could conquer all.  Boy was I wrong.  Don't get me wrong love is essential but so much more is needed.  My love would never erase all the previous pain.  My love could not undue the biological changes that occurred due to drugs or alcohol abuse.  My love could not change the genetic disposition to mental illness.  My love could never quiet the voice inside that told my children they were not good enough.

So in the early years John and I decided that our mission as parents was to share God with our children.  Our purpose was for each of them to develop a love for Christ and never be concerned about cultivating a love for us as their parents.  We made it not about us.  Being a parent requires thick skin and being the parent of foster/adoptive kids that much more.   This was hard.  This meant never taking their words personally.  Never dwelling on the physical harm they may cause.  Never being concerned with the possessions that were shattered and broken in a rage.  And never promising I would always be there when I never had the knowledge to see the future. Never expecting they would love you as a mom.  Never being accepted as their "mom" but always seen as the foster mom or adoptive mom.  Never giving up on them because they really "weren't yours anyways".  But every day slowly and gently leading them to know God.  I was imperfect.  I was flawed.  I didn't handle situation well and lost composure.  But God was perfect.  God loved without ceasing.  God never left them.  And God showed up big in those early years and still does today.

As time went on and children were in and out of our home, a few things changed.  We do have children who without a doubt see me as Mom.  The only Mom they have ever known.  But I have some (even adopted ones) that I am no more than the caregiver.  The relationship is strained.  The discussions are tense.  I feel completely inadequate  in the relationship.  Those are the hardest because those are the relationships that if allowed a small voice whispers I failed.  I failed as a mom.  I failed as a Christian.  I failed to show enough love and concern to overcome.

We no longer foster and have adopted 7 so far.  God still shows up.  I never got the perfect house with the white picket fence.  Every stage of life with my kids brings a new set of struggles and pain.  As they begin to better understand adoption they face the reality that someone left them.  As they grow, mental illness that was once under control is now reset and we are back at square one.  The small voice that whispers you are not good enough gets louder when others are harsh to you at school.  The realization you are different hits home in the middle school years.  The feeling that you never can connect with others surfaces when dating and relationships begin.

So Mother's Day for me is different.  I have lots of joy but I also feel pain.  I see my children who cannot bond and I worry about their futures.  I think about the first mom for each of them.  Where is she?  What is she feeling?  Does she know her kids are loved?  Does she care?

Some days I think if I had it to do all over again I would choose a different path, an easier one.  A journey with less pain and sorrow. But then God brings to mind a memory of joy or triumph with my children and reminds me of why I was chosen for my special journey of motherhood as we are Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Monday Madness

You can guess how today was since this week's blog is late into the night!

1.  Softball Softball Softball

Our season is in full swing and if the rain can hold off we might actually get to play a few games!  This past weekend Torri and Rikki Rae played with their select team.  They battled with 15 other teams and came away in 2nd place.  Super proud of the team and the girls had a blast.

This is our "we stayed at the ballpark add day to get this hardware."

2. Torri has become a very disciplined and consistent pitcher.  She doesn't look like much but don't let that fool you.  She has an insane toe drag with her pitching motion which means we go through softball cleats every couple of months.  Well this tournament she shredded her shoes.  So our only option....switch feet.  Yep that's right she pitched 3 innings (well I might add) with the shoes on the wrong feet to avoid more blisters on her right foot.  Ha!

 3.  We enjoy a little baseball too!  Jayden's team played tonight.  A different experience being on this side of the fence.  Jayden had great plays on 2nd and pitched in the last inning.  We were up by 1, 2 outs, and bases loaded and yes my kid gets called up to pitch...this would be his first game to pitch this season...with no warm-up.  He was able to keep it to a tie game and struck out the last batter.  Stressful for this Momma!

4.  The kids have vivid imaginations and Ava Jo is bursting with creativity.  She created this "fishing pole" for her brother using a clothes hanger, safety pins, shoe laces, and a slice of bread.  We found it handing in her brother's closet ready for their next fishing trip.  Ava Jo later explained to me that you would submerge the pins in the water and when the fish pulled on the line (creating a "bow and arrow effect" as she said) you knew it was "ready".  Ha!

5.  We have a rare treat for John to be off 2 days this week.  So I have my "honey-do" list ready to go!

Just a glimpse of the happenings as we are Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Monday Madness

I am going to start a new weekly post called Monday Madness....well that is unless the madness is too much!  It will be quick look at our week.

1.  Many know that I have a small photography business that I started.  My plans are to keep it small, to enjoy my craft, express my art, and make a little cash stash.  I had my first solo wedding and I spent the first part of this week editing the images.  The bride was beautiful and the wedding stunning so my job was easy.

2.  There is never a lack of laughter in our home.  My hubby is one of the funniest people I know and we could never get through our life without laughter.  One of our focuses lately has been on budgeting.  So this past week we make a quick trip into town for essentials.  I mention we need toilet paper.  John responds "Seriously"  I guess he doesn't realize how much is used in a household of 7 (with 4 ladies)!  I then rant a little that yes we did.  His response "I already try not to use bathroom at home to help save on toilet paper."  I can't complain too much at least he is trying to help with the budget.

3.  Six Flags is probably mine and John's least favorite place.  Long lines, big crowds, and overpriced everything.  But like most our kids love this place and it just happened to be the location of the last cheer competition of the year.  So we packed coolers of snacks and drinks, packed the sunscreen, and loaded up the entire family for the day.  Since we are budget-minded we opted to drive up instead of staying overnight.  Only complicating factor is that we had to be at Six Flags at 7am.  We live 2 1/2 hours away (2 hours with no traffic).  So cheerfully we get up at 4a to make the trek to Six Flags. The kids had a blast.  John and I are still recovering 2 days later.

4.  Softball season has begun.  Technically for us softball never ends as our daughters play on a select softball team but league recently started.  I snapped this photo at a game the other night.  Rikki Rae is catching and Torri is pitching while John sits on the bucket yelling....I mean coaching.  Precious memories!

5.  First Grandbaby...What else is there to say?  Absolutely precious.

Happy Monday!

Enough

I have always dealt with an emptiness-a constant state of regret.  Moving through life feeling as if an opportunity was missed.  I had a great childhood with loving parents and extended family.  I have many fond memories with my cousins and friends.    Never considered the richest but blessed with all we needed and more. So what went wrong?  Why did my view of the world shift?  Why did I never feel enough?  I had plenty of accomplishments in life but they all seem to fall flat.

I haven't shared with many outside of my immediate family the events that occurred in the very beginnings of my memory.  And to protect my privacy (I know seems odd to say as I type a blog the entire world can read) I will not give details but will say these events created a feeling of shame and something was wrong with me at an early age.

So add to the normal teen angst,  feelings of shame and guilt and I walked through high school with a mask.  Rarely revealing who I really was inside.  Fearful to open up and let others see the real me.  And all the while feeling completely and totally isolated.  Oh I could talk a good game. And honestly I do have some great memories from those years. But I had an overwhelming feeling of never been good enough.

As the years passed and I moved into adulthood I began the pursuit of more.  More money.  More kids. More knowledge.  More acceptance.  Just more.  Attempting to fill the void I felt with stuff.  Sadly I was a regular church-going, Jesus-loving Christian.  But even my acceptance into Christ's family was affected by my perspective. I still attempted to perform well for others.

Then a huge shift happened.  My family began to unravel.  Difficulties in our home with our children.  Watching all the love we poured into our children end up not being enough sent me into a tailspin.  Everything I had done wasn't enough.  I felt defeated.  Broken down.  Everything seems futile.  This is when I finally realized what God has been trying to show me from the beginning.

God is enough.  Just him.  Nothing more is needed.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.    2 Corinthians 12:9

I have always had enough.  Enough grace.  Enough joy.  Enough love.  Enough forgiveness.  I have been given enough by Jesus.

So now my struggle is how do I keep myself focused on ENOUGH?  How do I remember daily I have enough? Or rather how do I remember daily that Jesus is PLENTY?

The focus is on HIM not me.  He is enough.  He provides.  He loves.  He forgives.  He is plenty.

So I am taking it back old school and creating an acronym that I recite when I forget HE is enough.

P- Perfect
This God-his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.  Psalm 18:30


L-Love
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8


E-Eternal
"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty."  Revelation 1:8


N-Near
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.  Psalm 145:18


T-Timeless Word
The counsel of the LORD stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations.  Psalm 33:11


Y-Yahweh 
God said to Moses, "I am who I am."  And he said, "Say this to the people of Israel, 'I am has sent me to you.' " Exodus 3:14

Your story is different from mine but I would be bold enough to say that we all struggle with being enough and having enough.  We are all created for a single purpose to honor God and glorify God in all we do.  We are all created with a hole or vacuum or whatever you want to call it.  A longing for God that many times we fill with other stuff---jobs, money, people, fame, success!  But be encouraged God is ENOUGH!

So each day I focus that God is ENOUGH as we go about our way Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Not Everyone Gets a Trophy

We had the amazing experience of the NCA Cheer competition in Dallas this past weekend.  For those who don't know, this the Super Bowl of cheer.  This year there were over 26,000 cheerleaders from 7 different countries who arrived to compete. And for those who think cheer is not a sport should take a second look.  The talent was impressive.

Our daughter's team didn't place and this gave us the opportunity to  discuss with our kids competition.  As social media from our friends is flooded with posts and comments, we saw a wide range of emotions and outlooks on the weekend from "being proud" to "so glad the girls had fun".  I am sure this blog will not be favorable to many but....

We were not proud of the performance.  The fact that my kids had a fun weekend did not make it ok.  Now I am not one of those crazed little league parents (well maybe you think I am).  But I don't believe that teaching our kids that it is okay if they don't win as long as they had fun or to be proud when the performance was subpar.  We compete to win...not at all costs but we compete to win.  There is a score.  There is 1st place.  There is a competition.  So how do we handle a situation like this as a parent?  How do we balance unconditional parental love and exposing our kids to the harsh reality they were not good enough?

I can only tell you what we try to convey to our kids:

You cannot be #1 in everything you do.

99.9% of the time there is someone that is better than you.

Hard work doesn't mean you have talent.

Talent doesn't mean you don't need to work hard.

And John's personal favorite:  If your not first you are last.

But we also teach our kids about the source of their value.  It is not in what they have done.  My love for them is not tied to the number of trophies they win, the points they score, or acclaim they achieve.  My acceptance of them is not conditional on winning.

So after this weekend, we didn't tell our daughter we were proud of the performance or that we were happy they had fun.  We didn't talk about what went wrong and how to fix it (we leave that to the coach).  We  talked about how did she practice leading up to the performance?  How did she encourage her teammates?  Did she take responsibility for her contribution (or lack thereof)?  We were able to reinforce how important putting in the work at practice every day was key.  We talked about what does it really mean to be a team.

I want my kids to know that they will lose and they will fail.  I want their failures to push them to be more than they are today.  I want them to understand the value of hard work. I want my kids to know that just because they work hard doesn't mean they deserve to win if the competition is better.  But more than anything I want them to know....

Your value is not summed up in HOW WELL you compete but in HOW you compete. 

I am sure this will not be most folks favorite post but I wanted to share my heart.  As most of my parenting over the years, I live and learn.  I am constantly prompted by God to reconsider my views.  I am forced to continually grow in Christ and as a parent.  This area of my life will be no different Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Jana