The Day We Never Wanted

We had been on this road before.  Our years as foster parent and adoptive parents had made us no stranger to psychiatric facilities.  We had loved on and prayed over a dozen kids over the years.  Always knowing a battle was being fought.  A battle the enemy wanted to win.  He didn't want our kids to know Christ.  He wanted them angry, bitter, and doubting.  He used their horrible past experiences to cause our kids to question how God could love them. To question if God existed. We were ready for the battle.  Confident in Christ.  Trusting without any guarantees about the future.

For we do not wrestle against 

flesh and blood, but against the rulers,

against the authorities, against the cosmic powers

over the present darkness, against the spiritual forces 

of evil in the heavenly places.  Ephesians 6:12

So this last trip to the psychiatric hospital should have been just like all the rest.  But this time it felt different.  Maybe because the kid in the backseat was having one of his best days in weeks.  Affectionate, loving, calm.  Maybe because he had no idea what was going to happen because for him this was just another doctor or therapist visit.  We had been to many over the last 2 years.  Each time changing this or tweaking that. ...suggesting this or that.  Maybe it was the last week of sleepless nights that had me in a daze.  A kid who couldn't or wouldn't sleep...escaping out windows to roam the neighborhood.  Maybe it was the overwhelming guilt. Maybe it was I was still worn out from the last big meltdown.  Hearing my son screaming profanities...completely out of control...so out of control my normal calming techniques and restraints were no match.  Maybe it was me questioning myself.  We had been here before time and time again..is it ME?  Am I the problem?  Maybe my kid is fine and I just don't know how to parent?

Maybe it was due to the fact that up until a couple of years ago this kid had seemed to beat the odds.  He had overcame the abuse and neglect.  His body had healed from the exposure to drugs and alcohol.  His heart had forgiven and was able to receive love.  He had attended a local college prep private school for several years and public school mainstream with no supports.  I remember watching from afar and thinking "he looks normal" and my heart leaped with joy!  We did it! We conquered!  We won!!  I needed that.  We had had so many failures over the past few years.  Adoption and parenting is not easy.  I needed a victory and I had it.

But then something shifted.  Everything changed.  Someone hit reset and we were back to square one.  Everything we had overcome was back.  The behaviors, the anger, the defiance were all back and multiplied.

We sought help, we prayed, we changed parenting techniques.  I cried.  A lot.  I got angry.  I was angry with God.  I was angry with myself.  I was angry with my husband.  Life wasn't fair...this wasn't fair!  I found myself pulling away from others.  I would put on a mask every day and go through the day but inside I was a mess.  I finally broke.  But my brokenness was just a dead calm...an emptiness.  It was almost as if I was watching the world around me spin and twirl and I moved in slow motion.  No color.  No sound.  Just silence.

So maybe that was why this trip was different.  Maybe I was not hopeful that they could help.

This time it was harder.  I left my son crying and begging to come home with us. Between tears he promised to be "good" and I was heartbroken.  Hearing him say he was cursed by God was devastating.  Had the enemy won?  Did we lose?  I cried the entire ride home.  My sweet husband reassuring me the whole ride home.  And slowly my life sped up.  The colors were back.  The sounds were back and I felt like someone was fast forwarding my life.  I laid down that night not sure how I could face the next day.  I was numb.  I was overwhelmed.  I was desperate.

But the new morning came and new mercies arrived.  The reality of our situation remained.  I was not transported to a different life.  I had my same life but I had hope.  I had joy.  I had God.  So I felt ready to face the day, the week, the years ahead.

My days now are filled with moments of sadness, fear, and hopelessness but I turn to God in prayer.  Those moments of emotion are fleeting.  I admit that my days now are almost a continuous prayer.  I wake at night and pray.  I find myself sitting and praying. I work and pray. Continually calling on the Lord.   I know that the only solution to our current situation is found in God.

You shall walk after the Lord your God and 

fear him and keep his commandments and 

obey his voice, and you shall serve him and 

hold fast to him.  Deuteronomy 13:4

My overwhelming prayer for my son and all my children is to love the Lord with all of their being.  To find joy in HIM alone.  In the middle of this life to find the solid ground of Christ.  I cannot protect them.  I want them to be broken for HIM.  I know how that sounds but I want them to be able to get to the point that God is their hope...their only hope.  

So as I am Growing Up on Dublin, I am letting go more and growing in the faith and knowledge of Christ in every struggle we face.  I know we will have many more trying times ahead but I have the hope and peace that can only come from Christ to sustain me.

My Perspective on Motherhood

As a first time foster parent my life was very different.  I didn't get to dream of a future with my kids. I never had baby showers.  I never met or saw my children before they arrived at our door.  I entered into the relationship without many details of their previous situations.  I never knew how long they would be with me.  I didn't plan extravagant birthday celebrations.  I didn't dream of their college or what great things they would accomplish in life.   I constantly was balancing between loving openly and unconditionally with not attaching too much that I couldn't go on after they left.  That balancing act lasted about a week.  I quickly realized that God had created me to be open with reckless abandon from the moment I met each child.  No matter their struggles.  No matter the behaviors.  I loved them.  Accepted them.  And never gave up hope for them.  I still haven't.  I think often of the foster children who were in our home that had left.  Some were reunited while others needed a different setting to thrive.

But I think the hardest part was praying fervently for their biological families to respond to God and be able to be reunited with their children.  This was a very humbling experience.  To place the biological families who were imperfect and many committed acts that almost seem unforgivable above my own desires.  My desire to be a mom.  I still pray for them.  I pray that one day my children can return and be a witness to them.

I think back and early on I thought love could conquer all.  Boy was I wrong.  Don't get me wrong love is essential but so much more is needed.  My love would never erase all the previous pain.  My love could not undue the biological changes that occurred due to drugs or alcohol abuse.  My love could not change the genetic disposition to mental illness.  My love could never quiet the voice inside that told my children they were not good enough.

So in the early years John and I decided that our mission as parents was to share God with our children.  Our purpose was for each of them to develop a love for Christ and never be concerned about cultivating a love for us as their parents.  We made it not about us.  Being a parent requires thick skin and being the parent of foster/adoptive kids that much more.   This was hard.  This meant never taking their words personally.  Never dwelling on the physical harm they may cause.  Never being concerned with the possessions that were shattered and broken in a rage.  And never promising I would always be there when I never had the knowledge to see the future. Never expecting they would love you as a mom.  Never being accepted as their "mom" but always seen as the foster mom or adoptive mom.  Never giving up on them because they really "weren't yours anyways".  But every day slowly and gently leading them to know God.  I was imperfect.  I was flawed.  I didn't handle situation well and lost composure.  But God was perfect.  God loved without ceasing.  God never left them.  And God showed up big in those early years and still does today.

As time went on and children were in and out of our home, a few things changed.  We do have children who without a doubt see me as Mom.  The only Mom they have ever known.  But I have some (even adopted ones) that I am no more than the caregiver.  The relationship is strained.  The discussions are tense.  I feel completely inadequate  in the relationship.  Those are the hardest because those are the relationships that if allowed a small voice whispers I failed.  I failed as a mom.  I failed as a Christian.  I failed to show enough love and concern to overcome.

We no longer foster and have adopted 7 so far.  God still shows up.  I never got the perfect house with the white picket fence.  Every stage of life with my kids brings a new set of struggles and pain.  As they begin to better understand adoption they face the reality that someone left them.  As they grow, mental illness that was once under control is now reset and we are back at square one.  The small voice that whispers you are not good enough gets louder when others are harsh to you at school.  The realization you are different hits home in the middle school years.  The feeling that you never can connect with others surfaces when dating and relationships begin.

So Mother's Day for me is different.  I have lots of joy but I also feel pain.  I see my children who cannot bond and I worry about their futures.  I think about the first mom for each of them.  Where is she?  What is she feeling?  Does she know her kids are loved?  Does she care?

Some days I think if I had it to do all over again I would choose a different path, an easier one.  A journey with less pain and sorrow. But then God brings to mind a memory of joy or triumph with my children and reminds me of why I was chosen for my special journey of motherhood as we are Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Monday Madness

You can guess how today was since this week's blog is late into the night!

1.  Softball Softball Softball

Our season is in full swing and if the rain can hold off we might actually get to play a few games!  This past weekend Torri and Rikki Rae played with their select team.  They battled with 15 other teams and came away in 2nd place.  Super proud of the team and the girls had a blast.

This is our "we stayed at the ballpark add day to get this hardware."

2. Torri has become a very disciplined and consistent pitcher.  She doesn't look like much but don't let that fool you.  She has an insane toe drag with her pitching motion which means we go through softball cleats every couple of months.  Well this tournament she shredded her shoes.  So our only option....switch feet.  Yep that's right she pitched 3 innings (well I might add) with the shoes on the wrong feet to avoid more blisters on her right foot.  Ha!

 3.  We enjoy a little baseball too!  Jayden's team played tonight.  A different experience being on this side of the fence.  Jayden had great plays on 2nd and pitched in the last inning.  We were up by 1, 2 outs, and bases loaded and yes my kid gets called up to pitch...this would be his first game to pitch this season...with no warm-up.  He was able to keep it to a tie game and struck out the last batter.  Stressful for this Momma!

4.  The kids have vivid imaginations and Ava Jo is bursting with creativity.  She created this "fishing pole" for her brother using a clothes hanger, safety pins, shoe laces, and a slice of bread.  We found it handing in her brother's closet ready for their next fishing trip.  Ava Jo later explained to me that you would submerge the pins in the water and when the fish pulled on the line (creating a "bow and arrow effect" as she said) you knew it was "ready".  Ha!

5.  We have a rare treat for John to be off 2 days this week.  So I have my "honey-do" list ready to go!

Just a glimpse of the happenings as we are Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Monday Madness

I am going to start a new weekly post called Monday Madness....well that is unless the madness is too much!  It will be quick look at our week.

1.  Many know that I have a small photography business that I started.  My plans are to keep it small, to enjoy my craft, express my art, and make a little cash stash.  I had my first solo wedding and I spent the first part of this week editing the images.  The bride was beautiful and the wedding stunning so my job was easy.

2.  There is never a lack of laughter in our home.  My hubby is one of the funniest people I know and we could never get through our life without laughter.  One of our focuses lately has been on budgeting.  So this past week we make a quick trip into town for essentials.  I mention we need toilet paper.  John responds "Seriously"  I guess he doesn't realize how much is used in a household of 7 (with 4 ladies)!  I then rant a little that yes we did.  His response "I already try not to use bathroom at home to help save on toilet paper."  I can't complain too much at least he is trying to help with the budget.

3.  Six Flags is probably mine and John's least favorite place.  Long lines, big crowds, and overpriced everything.  But like most our kids love this place and it just happened to be the location of the last cheer competition of the year.  So we packed coolers of snacks and drinks, packed the sunscreen, and loaded up the entire family for the day.  Since we are budget-minded we opted to drive up instead of staying overnight.  Only complicating factor is that we had to be at Six Flags at 7am.  We live 2 1/2 hours away (2 hours with no traffic).  So cheerfully we get up at 4a to make the trek to Six Flags. The kids had a blast.  John and I are still recovering 2 days later.

4.  Softball season has begun.  Technically for us softball never ends as our daughters play on a select softball team but league recently started.  I snapped this photo at a game the other night.  Rikki Rae is catching and Torri is pitching while John sits on the bucket yelling....I mean coaching.  Precious memories!

5.  First Grandbaby...What else is there to say?  Absolutely precious.

Happy Monday!

Enough

I have always dealt with an emptiness-a constant state of regret.  Moving through life feeling as if an opportunity was missed.  I had a great childhood with loving parents and extended family.  I have many fond memories with my cousins and friends.    Never considered the richest but blessed with all we needed and more. So what went wrong?  Why did my view of the world shift?  Why did I never feel enough?  I had plenty of accomplishments in life but they all seem to fall flat.

I haven't shared with many outside of my immediate family the events that occurred in the very beginnings of my memory.  And to protect my privacy (I know seems odd to say as I type a blog the entire world can read) I will not give details but will say these events created a feeling of shame and something was wrong with me at an early age.

So add to the normal teen angst,  feelings of shame and guilt and I walked through high school with a mask.  Rarely revealing who I really was inside.  Fearful to open up and let others see the real me.  And all the while feeling completely and totally isolated.  Oh I could talk a good game. And honestly I do have some great memories from those years. But I had an overwhelming feeling of never been good enough.

As the years passed and I moved into adulthood I began the pursuit of more.  More money.  More kids. More knowledge.  More acceptance.  Just more.  Attempting to fill the void I felt with stuff.  Sadly I was a regular church-going, Jesus-loving Christian.  But even my acceptance into Christ's family was affected by my perspective. I still attempted to perform well for others.

Then a huge shift happened.  My family began to unravel.  Difficulties in our home with our children.  Watching all the love we poured into our children end up not being enough sent me into a tailspin.  Everything I had done wasn't enough.  I felt defeated.  Broken down.  Everything seems futile.  This is when I finally realized what God has been trying to show me from the beginning.

God is enough.  Just him.  Nothing more is needed.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.    2 Corinthians 12:9

I have always had enough.  Enough grace.  Enough joy.  Enough love.  Enough forgiveness.  I have been given enough by Jesus.

So now my struggle is how do I keep myself focused on ENOUGH?  How do I remember daily I have enough? Or rather how do I remember daily that Jesus is PLENTY?

The focus is on HIM not me.  He is enough.  He provides.  He loves.  He forgives.  He is plenty.

So I am taking it back old school and creating an acronym that I recite when I forget HE is enough.

P- Perfect
This God-his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.  Psalm 18:30


L-Love
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8


E-Eternal
"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty."  Revelation 1:8


N-Near
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.  Psalm 145:18


T-Timeless Word
The counsel of the LORD stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations.  Psalm 33:11


Y-Yahweh 
God said to Moses, "I am who I am."  And he said, "Say this to the people of Israel, 'I am has sent me to you.' " Exodus 3:14

Your story is different from mine but I would be bold enough to say that we all struggle with being enough and having enough.  We are all created for a single purpose to honor God and glorify God in all we do.  We are all created with a hole or vacuum or whatever you want to call it.  A longing for God that many times we fill with other stuff---jobs, money, people, fame, success!  But be encouraged God is ENOUGH!

So each day I focus that God is ENOUGH as we go about our way Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Not Everyone Gets a Trophy

We had the amazing experience of the NCA Cheer competition in Dallas this past weekend.  For those who don't know, this the Super Bowl of cheer.  This year there were over 26,000 cheerleaders from 7 different countries who arrived to compete. And for those who think cheer is not a sport should take a second look.  The talent was impressive.

Our daughter's team didn't place and this gave us the opportunity to  discuss with our kids competition.  As social media from our friends is flooded with posts and comments, we saw a wide range of emotions and outlooks on the weekend from "being proud" to "so glad the girls had fun".  I am sure this blog will not be favorable to many but....

We were not proud of the performance.  The fact that my kids had a fun weekend did not make it ok.  Now I am not one of those crazed little league parents (well maybe you think I am).  But I don't believe that teaching our kids that it is okay if they don't win as long as they had fun or to be proud when the performance was subpar.  We compete to win...not at all costs but we compete to win.  There is a score.  There is 1st place.  There is a competition.  So how do we handle a situation like this as a parent?  How do we balance unconditional parental love and exposing our kids to the harsh reality they were not good enough?

I can only tell you what we try to convey to our kids:

You cannot be #1 in everything you do.

99.9% of the time there is someone that is better than you.

Hard work doesn't mean you have talent.

Talent doesn't mean you don't need to work hard.

And John's personal favorite:  If your not first you are last.

But we also teach our kids about the source of their value.  It is not in what they have done.  My love for them is not tied to the number of trophies they win, the points they score, or acclaim they achieve.  My acceptance of them is not conditional on winning.

So after this weekend, we didn't tell our daughter we were proud of the performance or that we were happy they had fun.  We didn't talk about what went wrong and how to fix it (we leave that to the coach).  We  talked about how did she practice leading up to the performance?  How did she encourage her teammates?  Did she take responsibility for her contribution (or lack thereof)?  We were able to reinforce how important putting in the work at practice every day was key.  We talked about what does it really mean to be a team.

I want my kids to know that they will lose and they will fail.  I want their failures to push them to be more than they are today.  I want them to understand the value of hard work. I want my kids to know that just because they work hard doesn't mean they deserve to win if the competition is better.  But more than anything I want them to know....

Your value is not summed up in HOW WELL you compete but in HOW you compete. 

I am sure this will not be most folks favorite post but I wanted to share my heart.  As most of my parenting over the years, I live and learn.  I am constantly prompted by God to reconsider my views.  I am forced to continually grow in Christ and as a parent.  This area of my life will be no different Growing Up on Dublin Lane.

Jana

Be My Cranky Valentine

Valentine's Day Or Singles Awareness Day as some of my friends call it is TODAY!!

Valentine means something different for everyone.  For retailers, sales of candy and furry animals.  For kids, parties, valentines, and sweets.  For parents, the rush to find the coolest Valentine ideas for the parties and cards.  For husbands, how to "out do" last year or the latest internet sensation.  For wives, the pining for that special gift to make them feel super special.  For singles, the dread of the social media posting of gifts or the commercials.

I have to admit I have been guilty of this in the past.  This year John planned a night out for Friday night.  We haven't been able to get away much lately so just the escape was an exciting prospect even if for just a few hours.  I was to meet John in Tyler at his job and I was going to be swept away for our date.  I know it doesn't sound romantic but with our lives sometimes practicality is the key to romance.    I was excited for a night away with my sweetheart but when the day arrived I was exhausted.  We had volunteered at an assisted living that morning, finished up the week's school work, and I had worked a few hours at a new job.  I had skipped breakfast and lunch and was running on just a protein shake.  Then add to that our oldest son who is autistic having a rough afternoon.  So to say the least I was exhausted...physically and emotionally.  All I wanted to do was curl up in my comfy bed and sleep.

So our plans altered and John headed home so we could be sure everything was settled.  When he arrives I was relaxing in bed, already eaten a few slices of the kids pizza, and asking if we could just stay home. His answer, No.  Get up and let's go.  So I reluctantly got up and headed out for our date night 2 hours behind schedule.  I must admit I slept on the way to Tyler (I know I know I am such a  great date) and was cranky.  But my sweetheart just kept pouring on the charm.

We opted for a movie since we didn't have time for a dinner and movie.  As we got settled in our seats and I snuggled up to the Hunky Hubby, I took a few deep breaths.  In the absence on the children's requests or the messy house or the endless to do lists, I could find that emotion of love that never leaves but is crowded out by all the other things in my life.  And that is when I realized how great a guy my Valentine is and spending time with him will always be my favorite date option.  Our date wouldn't make the headlines or be used for a Hallmark commercial.  Our love story will never likely be the inspiration for a Lifetime movie.  But it is ours.

So I ramble on to just encourage everyone to make your special someone a priority.  To go on those dates when you are exhausted.  To not retreat into sleep when that is easier.  To not forget why you fell in love.

Happy Valentine's Day from Dublin Lane!